Sunday, April 6, 2014

Scrying Over You


Scrying is crystal ball gazing. It is Ouija board. It is all the ways of making the subconscious conscious.

Like maybe you will take a bowl. You fill it with water and with oils. You run a stick around the edge until it sings. When it sings, in the song there are words. You write down the words.

You are scrying.

Or maybe this woman – this woman over here – with her it is all different. Like maybe she  will light a candle. She sets down a sheet of paper and she sets down a pencil on the table. She stares into the candle until her mind blanks. When her mind blanks, then her hand writes. What her hand writes, she does not know. She writes down words that she reads only later.

She is scrying.

Or maybe like this guy. This guy over here. What the hell is he  doing? Maybe he is using a dowser’s rod. Or he is mirror gazing. Or he is shell hearing. Maybe he is tasting a taste in his mouth just by touching some something that you’ve touched.

If he is, then he is scrying, too.

Or… me. What about me? What is it that I am doing? I tie a bag – cloth, dark, tight – I tie it around my head and I lie down on my bed. I lie on my back. All around me are little scattered scraps of paper. On the little scattered scraps of paper, I have written questions.

Now I lie and I wait. I wait for paralysis, I wait for Tarab, and I wait for answers to my questions.

I am scrying, too.

I am making the subconscious conscious.

I am finding the answers to my questions about Doctor Belloq.

*           *           *           *           *

You want to know where the answers come from, don’t you?

It’s alright. Everyone does.

Everyone wonders, but the truth is I don’t know. The truth is I do not worry about it all that much. The truth is I do this  thing and then that  thing happens.

But you want to know if this panic-induced demonic hallucination ever really tells me anything new.

Me too.

*           *           *           *           *


I started dating Doctor Belloq fifteen months ago. In those fifteen months, Doctor Belloq has spent three weeks in Nepal.

She’s spent two weeks in Haiti.

Four days on Easter-fucking-Island.

In the past fifteen months, Doctor Belloq has been lost overnight in an underground Mexican cave.

Twice.

In the fifteen months since Doctor Belloq and I started dating, she’s been on sixteen of the islands of Micronesia.

She’s almost been arrested in Yemen. She was briefly detained in Brazil.

Fifteen months. That is what fifteen months in the life of Doctor Belloq look like.

*           *           *           *           *

Less than one-half of all Texans believe in evolution. Nearly one-fourth believe that the President is Muslim. One-fifth believe that our governor has banned Obamacare.

In the fifteen months since Doctor Belloq and I started dating, I have not stepped foot outside of the State of Texas.

*           *           *           *           *

Maybe I knew. Maybe something hidden deep inside me connected the dots all by its lonesome.

Maybe I did not need to hear it from Tarab at all.

But it was game night and I was with some friends out at the home of Veva Purvious and I was drinking cheap moscato and I was unlikely to win the game.

I lay down on the couch to clear my head and then the room was too yellow and then I could not move. The game continued without me and no one seemed to notice when the dark shape appeared over me hissing and pressing me down.

Tarab said, “Veva Purvious will win this game.”

I tried to move a finger.

He said, “Doctor Belloq is never coming back to Texas.”

He said, “She’ll list her house on Monday.”

It was true: About the game. About the house. All of it.

And maybe it did not take a seer or a prophet – no supernatural intervention required! – to see that Doctor Belloq was unlikely to let grass grow up between her toes. Ever. To do a happily-ever-after bit with me and the kids and a white picket fence. Maybe a scryer would not need to be much of a scryer at all for that information to reveal itself.

But I was scrying all the same, and this is how I found out about Doctor Belloq.

For the past fifteen months, this blog has been the story of me and Tarab and Doctor Belloq, and this is how the story ends.  

This is how we clear the way for the story of Veva Purvious.

***END OF SEASON FOUR***


65 comments:

  1. I love you, Katy Anders. You make me feel in good ways, even if they might be bad ways for you. I hope that one day we get to meet, and maybe drink booze together. You'd like my darling wife, and she, I'm certain, would like you.

    Here's to Veva Purvious.

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    1. Thanks, man. From what I can tell, y'all have real fun. Not just sitting-around-listening-to-music-and-reading fun, but real fun. Seems like real fun always turns dramatic with me.

      But it's always worth another try...

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    2. Katy, I love when you turn up on the Yeah Write grid. Your posts are always some of my favorites.

      You're right, fun (and love) are always worth another try. I hope your next great adventure is full of both. xoKaren

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    3. Hi, Karen! I always intend to submit something over at YeahWrite, but every time I think of it, I've written something I consider sub-par. A couple weeks back, someone basically submitted a post for me, and it turned out to be one that was appropriate for that sort of thing.

      I'm a hopeless optimist when it comes to giving things another try. Anyone in my position with an ounce of sense would have given up years ago...

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    4. I read a book a while back that held that going with your gut gets results as good as carefully weighing the wisdom of all options (especially when given a lot of choices).

      Therefore, I think I might keep putting my hand on the burner of the stove. My gut tells me to try it again and the results might be different.

      Delete
  2. The last damn thing you need is to b loody suffocate to death bagging your head like that. But if you want to know, your scrying is coming from your deoxygenated brain auto hallucinating as the neurons begin to die. Gllllrphh.

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    1. It wasn't a plastic bag!

      That feels different...

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  3. It's all in the cards! There are more ways to arrange a deck of cards than atoms on Earth! Any time you pick up a well shuffled deck, you are almost certainly holding an arrangement of cards that has never before existed and might not exist again.

    I normally do my scrying in a near empty beer Chang (elephant beer) bottles. However, it seems that the dredges add a conformational bias.

    But when I am scrying cleavage, I can predict the near future!




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    1. Err... maybe you should consult with your Great-Great-Grandma Moses
      http://www.lesbiansinmysoup.com/2013/01/nostradamus-2013.html

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    2. Great-Great Grandma Moses could probably have given me a lot of pointers. I've never had the dedication or the attention span to learn about any of these dubious ways of viewing the world. I did buy a book on astrology, but...

      I think the kind of knowledge gained while lying catatonically on my back might be more my speed.

      Delete
  4. Did I call it or did I call it? A new character for next season. Though Veva Purvious doesn't exactly sound like a wacky, fun-loving sidekick...

    Fun fact: the only time my dad ever used a Ouija board it spelled out "go away blockhead" on the first attempt and then just stopped working after that. I don't know if it was real or not, but if it was... ouch. I mean, you know things are bad in your life when not even an apparition wants to talk to you.

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    1. Veva Purvious is over-the-top wacky. in fact, I turned off my phone to write this post yesterday, and when i turned it back on I had the weirdest texts I've ever read from her. Every hour knowing her is like trying to ride a jet ski with a pack of monkeys.

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    2. in that case: all's well that ends well!

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    3. Once a decade, something happens that knocks me off base for a while. I've already had my allotment of disasters for this decade.

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    4. Even if it's not romantic, you are lucky to have someone like Veve Purvious in your life at this moment. She sounds very distracting, in a good way.

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    5. Yup. It turns out that even I need to communicate and interact with real live in the flesh human beings from time to time.

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  5. I'm totally gonna look up this scrying thing and maybe try it out. Does it work well with whiskey?

    Jay

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    1. Anything works well with whiskey.

      Well, except apple juice.

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  6. I'm still back with the van leaving with the kids and what's-her-face the lawyer. That was a long time ago I know.

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    1. I'm still sort of back there, too. I said somewhere this week that "There's noting like new drama to help you forget about old drama." Thank God for new drama.

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  7. I am generally not a fan of demons telling me things.

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    1. Panic-induced demonic hallucinations, flip. There's a difference. I don't think my soul is involved. Also, I won't be able to talk to my dead Uncle Charlie and there will be no split pea soup.

      Actually, I might not be the best person to talk to about demons.

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  8. I go in for my surgery tomorrow. With any luck, I'll come beat the crap out of Tarab and lead you back toward the path of enlightenment. As for Dr. Belloq, they say that all good things must come to and end. I don't know WHY they say that or even who they are, but they do. Personally, I think it's just a bunch of rubbish to make people let go of what's dear to them and to make them feel better when someone does lost that thing or those things, but that's just something I've observed my short years on this earth. Have fun and don't let too much carbon dioxide build up in that bag, no matter how thin.

    Love and hugs,

    Cal

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    1. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow (now today), Cal. I don't particularly LIKE it when bad stuff happens to me, but sometimes it makes me realize I'm alive, so in the grand scheme of things, this incident isn't the worst thing possible. In retrospect, the worst thing possible might have been those years when nothing seemed to happen to me at all.

      Be strong, buddy.

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  9. Boy, did I need to read this today. (For a couple of reasons.) For one, I have been suffering from sleep paralysis and acute seizures at night, which wake me up not letting breath in or out of my lungs. It hasn't been confirmed as sleep apnea -- but they are worried about the "auto-pilot" breathing as you call it -- the involuntary breathing that naturally occurs, to which they're blaming my good ol' noggin on failing to do at night which wakes my ass up in a state of panic and sometimes, loss of consciousness.

    I have read your Tarab write up and I have also read in numerous articles while being too afraid to sleep at night, that some believe people who suffer from what I have, all stems from demons trying to suffocate you. I heard it. I read it. Do I believe it? I don't quite know for sure. I'm a big medical mystery.

    Scrying. I guess you can say my version of scrying would be praying and meditating. Sometimes, I use a candle to focus in on. When I get my message or an 'epiphany' -- I write it down in my journal, sometimes using it as a post for my blog. I get a lot of writer's block, and at this point, I can't afford to. I get paid with each article I write because it's mirrored off other websites who pay me for my articles as well as plugging them on social media. (Advertisements and traffic for other websites.) If I don't write, I don't get paid. So you can imagine that my creativity sometimes is pushed --- forced --- which isn't creativity at all in my opinion. So I try to "scry". I've never heard that term before.

    Question: Have you seen a sleep specialist or have gone through a sleep study in a facility/hospital before? I'm getting mine done this week. Watch the Sandman miss this appointment. I'll be pissed! o_O

    You and your partner are wonderful! I love reading about your life. Thank you for sharing….

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    1. Hi, deb! I haven't considered a sleep study before you mentioned it... Until recently, I kept my sleep issues at bay by basically drinking myself to sleep (which worked, by the way). It was really only when Belloq convinced me to quit drinking myself to sleep every night that the other problems became obvious.

      I understand what you mean about the writing, though. I really do sort of need to relax my mind to let things bubble up in order to write. It's a balancing act: My life needs to be eventful enough to keep me loaded with material to write about but not so overloaded that my writing seems artificial.

      This is why so many bipolar folks end up being good artists. They've got things split up automatically.

      The sleep study thing sounds fascinating. Post about it!

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    2. Katy,

      I just wrote the longest comment to you, and the strangest thing happened. It disappeared, but not only disappeared, turned my entire screen off.

      I’m going to try this again, because there’s a spiritual battle here.

      First, I just wanted to let you know, that sleep study costs $5,000! I was shocked. I’ll be paying that off forever. They still have to schedule me out. So I will definitely let you know how it goes. I think it’s important that you do this...

      Ughhhhh I hate that my HUGE novel of a comment disappeared like that. Bear with me, I’m re-writing this again because I feel it’s very important that you get this message and it must be important, because something is trying to push me away.

      Last night I was having those hypnic sleep jerks and mild seizures again. I couldn’t get to sleep. I got so frustrated, I started crying. So my wife and I prayed to God, asking him if he would please help me sleep without these awful symptoms. After that, I turned out the lights and tried to sleep. Moments later ----BAM! Seizures, jolts, jerks -- Madelene had an instant vibrating bed. (ha)

      My faith was being tested though.

      At 11:57pm, I wrote in my notes of my iPhone, “My faith is bigger than my fears. I will trust in God.”

      12pm, I was out like a light. Madelene said it wasn’t even 3 minutes before I was sleeping soundly.

      I had mentioned to Madelene about your situation. I hope you don’t mind. She said something that worried me and made me think. She said, “Tell her not to voice the spiritual figure that visits her! She’s inviting danger.”

      (Keep an open mind because we’re Christian here...)

      By voicing and giving this spirit a name (which I will not type out), you are inviting him back and you admitted you have and do invite him. The thing is, in most cases, he is doing more harm than good.

      Let me give you an example of what happened to me, Katy. I apologize if I am coming off too “religious” --- but just bear with me. I’m not preaching, I’m only sharing.

      One evening while I was sleeping, I had this dream. I was walking on my property trying to bring equipment back to the poolside to fix it up. Our property is about 3 1/2 acres give and take. When I looked back, I saw a guy standing a good distance away, across the property. I remember he was wearing a brown flannel shirt, old faded out blue jeans and work boots. I decided to look away and continue walking toward the poolside. I looked again at him, and he zoomed up to me at jet speed -- like a fast forward supernatural freaky speed -- and when I looked at his face up close, his eyes became large and they turned ALL black. He then pushed me onto the ground. He was on my back trying to choke me. I couldn’t breathe and when I got a breath, I would try to yell out, “Help!” But nothing.

      I woke up. He was STILL there on me, choking me, trying to kill me. (Not sure if this was just a weird dream while being still awake but I’ll never forget this.) So I screamed out, “JESUS!!!” .......still being attacked. I screamed it again, “JESUS!!!!......still being attacked. And on the third scream of “Jesus”, he fled so fast, that I even felt the wind as he was leaving.

      I’m not sure what religion you practice or if you practice one at all. But please, be safe with this sort of thing. I’m worried about you. The veil between worlds is so incredibly thin and transparent, that now, people are communicating with spirits through their dreams or dream state more than ever before. I believe we can talk to our deceased loved ones through dreams, or God or our spirit guides, however we can also talk to the dark side as well, who are not out for ‘good’.

      We need to take care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and especially spiritually. I’m sending you positive energy....

      I hope you didn’t mind me sharing this with you...

      During my second time writing this, I cannot tell you how many phone calls have interrupted me……….Someone doesn't want you to get this message.

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    3. Thanks for retyping it despite the problems, Deb. It sounds like your experience was similar enough to mine as to be basically the same phenomenon. Always seems to be choking/breathing aspects to it when I hear people talk about it.

      I believe that encouraging these episodes is probably a terrible idea. I mean, I don't see any way that it could be a good idea. There have got to be more positive, healthy ways to do what I'm trying to do through this figure.

      You have a very specific Christian mindset to understand things through, which is great because it gives you a context I lack. I don't pray, I don't meditate, I'm not in any kind of therapy. I don't have any immediately viable means of addressing issues that might be at the very back of my mind, which is sort of what I've been using Tarab for. I don't always do things in the most positive and healthy way possible.

      It takes quite a bit to creep me out, but the talking figure when I think I'm awake pretty much rises to that level.

      Incidentally, I also get something called (I think) "myoclonic jerks" as I am falling asleep. It used to drive Dana crazy, because every time I kicked or jerked as I was falling asleep, it woke her up.

      The past year has been chock full of a lot of weird sleep-related things for me. A priest I know has encouraged me to turn off the television and music for an hour before bedtime each night and sit around quietly, even if I'm not going to pray. It's probably a great idea.

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    4. Yes! I have myoclonic jerks, so the doctor believes. They're seizure related and I go through the same exact thing, waking up my partner. I will get back to you and let you know about the sleep study! Good luck with everything and hopefully, you'll be sleeping soundly soon enough. I find that propping my pillows higher helps out a great deal. xo

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    5. I read a book about sleep disorders last year (something I maybe should not have done for the same reason it would be a bad reason for you to read it), and it's pretty amazing how many things can go wrong with the whole sleep process.

      It makes sense that things could go wrong, but there are so many weird ways for things to go wrong with sleep.

      Things were so much simpler when I just drank myself to sleep every night!

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    6. I just found this thing on Youtube (advised by Dr. Oz) --- you put into the search engine of Youtube, "AMSR" and it literally puts you to sleep even before the video ends. I didn't believe it at first, so I tried it last night. Asleep --- woke up with earbuds still in my ears. They found out that people fall asleep to certain familiar sounds from their childhood, like soft noises, whispers and other things that are so strange when you think about it, yet it worked for me. NOTHING really works for me! Try it… It's weird at first, because these people seem cray cray --- but just give it a shot. Wishing you a restful sleep tonight! Alcohol will put you fast asleep, but it'll wake you up 3 hrs later. I know. I've tried one too many times. :(

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    7. Oh wow. I am checking it out this evening. I'll try anything once. Maybe twice. OK, I'll try most things three times. Unless it hurts really badly, and then only twice.

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    8. Someone -- I think Umberto Eco, possibly in Fouccault's Pendulum -- said that there is no one as superstitious as someone who believes in nothing. (Or words to that effect. It's been a while.) I think it might have been intended as a dig, but since I generally like Umberto Eco (if it was Umberto Eco), I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt in that regard.

      Speaking as one who does not know if they believe in spirits and demons, but who also does not know if they DON'T believe in spirits and demons (a dichotomy I suspect you will grasp), I would suggest taking certain sensible precautions in dealing with Tarab:

      - Establish specific Standard Procedures for engaging with him. Tell him firmly and politely that you are only willing to engage with him when you follow these procedures. He may or may not go along with that, but it's helpful to make your intentions clear. ("But you never *said* it wasn't okay to show up during a fit of daytime narcolepsy while you're at work!")

      - Each time you engage with him, offer him something you think he might appreciate, the same way one might leave a plate of cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. (Exactly like that, in fact.) It doesn't have to be big -- homeowners' associations tend to frown on sacrificing goats and so forth. Perhaps something like a glass of wine, a candy bar, or a cigar. Do not consume this thing yourself and don't let the children nab it.

      - As one of the aforementioned Standard Procedures, when you set out the thing for him, say that you are offering this in exchange for whatever insight or information he cares to share, quid pro quo.

      This may or may not be ridiculous, but at worst, I can't see it doing you any harm. And if I did believe in spirits and demons (which I may or may not), I would say that I would prefer to stay in their good graces, such as may be, and would definitely prefer that any help, insights, or advice provided by said spirits and demons does not arrive postage due.

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    9. Those are great suggestions and although I had not thought of them, I think we're on the same page. Granted, Deb's suggestion to just stay away from it is probably the best advice, but barring that, I like what you have to say here.

      My attitude is that it really is very likely to be an easily identifiable hallucination of sorts brought on by sleep paralysis. It doesn't matter though - setting up a ritual still has value. I don't need to label things in order to still have a procedure for handling it, and as you say, at worst it does no harm!

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    10. If it's 'just' a hallucination -- honestly, *especially* if it's a hallucination, that's all the more to establish ground rules for it. The subconscious mind has the knowledge and wherewithal to fuck you up in ways that are just as bad as or worse than most third-party spiritual/demonic activity (short of full stop head-rotating and pea-soup vomiting) is ever likely to get. And, like spirits or demons (which may or may not exist), subconscious minds are known to be fickle and vindictive if crossed. Treating them as you would a powerful but mercurial supernatural entity seems like a reasonable precaution...

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    11. I'm going to assume it's radio signals from Sirius.

      But I'll still leave something in exchange for the info...

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  10. Seriously, you just won at blogging. This is my favorite post I have ever read in my life. While I'm sorry that it is at the expense of a loss of a relationship, I'm fairly pumped for season 5.

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    1. Than you. I'm kind of pumped, too.

      Plus, it leaves me more time to write.

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  11. I enjoyed reading this so damn much. The words, you have a way with them.

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    1. Hi, Natalie, and thanks. This one didn't quite flow the way I wanted, and I had to throw out my first attempt entirely, which is rare. But I said it.

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    2. Nicely written. I got here through Yeah Write so I feel a bit shy about saying much other than I enjoyed your writing. And I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. And I look forward to reading more.

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    3. Thanks, PAMO. I seem to be in this cycle of people disappearing rather than officially breaking up with me.

      Actual fights would make for better blog posts.

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  12. You are fabulous, aren't you?!

    I've scryed. To me, it is the universe, and the universe knows...

    Greetings from Minneapolis,

    Pearl

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    1. Hi, pearl!

      SOMETHING knows more than my waking consciousness does. I don't know what it is, but I'm glad it's there!

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    2. "SOMETHING knows more than my waking consciousness does. I don't know what it is, but I'm glad it's there!"

      That is definitely a t-shirt worthy quote!

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    3. Sounds a schizophrenic, now that I read it again. But it's true!

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  13. I am in awe of your writing every single time I read it.

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    1. Thank you, Michelle! I have been less than impressed with my recent posts, but I'm trying some new things, so I suppose it's going to take a while before they're back up to snuff. The good news is that people seem to still be getting something out of them!

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  14. I've been listening to a lot of country music lately, and one thing that one notices is that a lot of the best country songs are goodbye songs from the perspective of the lover who never sticks around long enough to let grass grow between their toes. I mean some of those songs are absolutely epic. Like "Heard It In A Love Song" by Marshall Tucker. Now that I think of it, it's not just country music. "All Things Must Pass" by George Harrison is basically just a song using some Hindu mumbo-jumbo to basically justify sneaking out in a lover you've grown tired of. And then there's "Don't Think Twice".

    But there aren't that many songs written from the other perspective. There is one really good one, though. "Looks Like Rain":
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPW5nZ7G3xs

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    1. You're right. We used to sing "By the Time I Get to Phoenix" to this guy at work who was always promising to move to California during the night in order to get away from his girlfriend...

      "Ruby's Arms" is one of Tom Waits' best heart-tuggers, and that's about sneaking away in the night, too.

      There are a ton of them. I am into so many artists that avoid love songs that when I'm in the position of getting left (again), I have no music in my library to play.

      I wouldn't have thought about the Dead!

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  15. just though of this: "SCRYYYYyyying, ooooover you .... SCRYYYYyyyin oooover you ....."
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGq26M08ZpI

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    1. this one is even better:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Or-0aIHtD2Q

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    2. Those links started me on a 45 minute journey through old Roy Orbison songs. That was one unusual voice. There's really no one else that sounds like him, especially when he gets out of rockabilly mode...

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  16. Hmmm. Once you cleared with tickets mess why don't you try that backpacker lifestyle for a while? I am too not motivated to try out of my comfort zone. Kids you can check with them in person a month late? And you have face time and all -so you may manage?

    you may try touring the country for sometime. Ask ouiija board

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    1. The kids can always stay with Dana, even if it's my weekend. Dana would be relieved if I'd skip my weekend once in a while, I think.

      Houston is sort of my canvas, though. Everything I do is here.

      I suppose I should travel a little, if only for blog material.

      We'll see...

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    2. See, like in the book "hymn of tiger mom" we people from third world country don't try travelling much because our countries doesn't back us up unlike first world countries.
      maybe you can see why Belloq doesn't let grass grow b/w her toes. And we would get more interesting travel posts :)

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    3. My attitude has always been that I'm never even going to get to know ONE damn place as well as I'd like to. I mean, there are 4 million people in Houston, and it covers an area bigger than some states. Plenty of ground to cover.

      But I've been places. Look! http://fascistdykemotors.tumblr.com/post/7436946206/in-response-to-my-last-post-one-contact-writes
      http://fascistdykemotors.tumblr.com/post/7437163780/more-pictures-from-our-nepal-trip-a-few-years

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    4. The photos look awesome Katy. Nepal - how did you like it? I need to read more about Nepal.
      I had couple of roommates from Nepal and always wanted to visit but after that royal family massacre I got scared more.

      I was watching "idiot abroad" in Netflix . My travel adventures shall be more like that guy. I really need to venture out. Hopefully I don't build a mini-India when I visit or carry one which i usually tend to do. :(

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    5. I knew a guy - an old prof of mine - who was there during the royal family massacre. All foreigners were on lockdown for days after that, apparently. He had some wild stories from that week.

      Our trip there wasn't as eventful - my brother was there for a couple eyars. But we got some great pics and great memories.

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  17. 1) Beautifully-written post.
    2) You totally need to travel a bit, whenever you get the chance. Especially while you are still young. :)

    -Barb

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    1. They tell me I am young. I see no evidence of it.

      I should probably get out of Texas someday, though.

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    2. Both of those statements are epigraph worthy. I would suggest adding a codicil to your will calling for the latter to be inscribed on your eventual tombstone.

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    3. Sort of the opposite of Davy Crockett's alleged "You can all go to Hell. I am going to Texas" quote.

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