Sunday, January 26, 2014

This is Not a Suicide Note


**DISCLAIMER: I feel as though I should include a disclaimer here, but I do not know what on earth the disclaimer would say other than maybe “Don’t worry about me,”  I guess. Don’t worry about me.
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I believe that I am done. Finished. I am ready to move on. Everything in this world that has ever required me to complete it has been completed now.

This is not a cry for help; I’m just done.

The thing you should understand is I’m not really interested in anything more anymore, and I have always held that if a time came along when I was not really interested in anything more anymore, then I would not drag out the inevitable. Today, nothing resonates and everything falls apart.

I am not really interested in anything more anymore.

This is not a suicide note. No, my suicide note will have a better opening line.

To do it, I will have to do it in a way where there’s no backing out. No puking the pills, no dialing nine-one-one, no missing my target or bandaging my arm. To do it right, I will have to use the buildings. There are a million of ‘em in downtown Houston, and I know each and every balcony. I know all the good ledges, the easy-to-reach elevator shafts, and the better operational fire escapes, too.

I will use the buildings. There is no backing out once you’ve stepped off a ledge.

So that is what I will do.

I have seen three jumpers over the years. I saw this one guy actually do it and I saw the aftermaths of two others. I sure wish I had not seen that. They were a mess. People were standing around crying.

When one jumper jumped, he came down on the hood of a car but then he bounced, and finally, he landed in the street and he stayed there.

Some fire fighters happened to be first on the scene, and they draped a sheet over this splatter that used to be called Dwayne. The covered splatter formerly known as Dwayne lay in the street for four hours while the police completed their “investigation.”

Four hours!

I do not want to end up like Dwayne. I do not want to ruin anybody’s day. I do not even want to ruin anybody’s car. I mean, my God, what if I landed on somebody?

Nobody else needs to get messed up physically or messed up psychologically just because I am ready to move on.

Okay then, so how about this? What if I do it like this? I have seen these sorts of… tubes that they’ll hang out of the upper floors of buildings when they are gutting them for renovation. Trash tubes or trash chutes, I guess, you know? And they’ll run the chutes from way up high and then all the way down into a dumpster or into a dump truck or something like that.

I do not want to end up like Dwayne, and if I step off a ledge into a trash chute, then I will not end up like Dwayne.

To work, it will have to be one hell of a trash chute, though. Too short and the fall will not be far enough to finish me. Too narrow and I can use the sides to slow my fall. Too slanted and I’ll basically have a kid’s slide on my hands.

So to avoid ending up like Dwayne, I have to find a chute that is slick and a chute that is wide and a chute that goes straight down. I am not sure I have ever seen one that fits the bill.

I have to do some research on that.

My ideal suicide chute might not exist. I might even have to build it myself, and that sounds expensive.

If I build my suicide chute strong enough and wide enough and straight enough, then other people can use it too, if they are ready to move on but do not want to end up like Dwayne.

Maybe I can get government funding. This sounds like something they might like in Scandinavia, if Scandinavia has any tall buildings.

I have to do some research on that.

Private investors might be the better way to go. I can find investors and then I can incorporate, which isn’t hard to do, really. It is just one sheet of paper that you fill out and then file with your Secretary of State’s office along with some nominal fee.

I can find some investors – just a few will do – and I can form “SNUFFCO.”  I can build the perfect, permanent suicide chute somewhere in downtown Houston. And we can have people handing out fliers at the top – “Jesus Loves You”  and “Call Your Mom”  and “Suicide Hotline of Texas” – and  we can rent space to a crematorium at the bottom. You know, to keep things tidy.

We can even rig up a stereo and some huge speakers so that people can listen to an appropriately tragic and relevant song of their choice on the way down.

I have to do some research on good death songs.

The thing is, pretty soon? Every city is going to want its very own suicide chute.

“SNUFFCO: No muss, no fuss, no collateral damage!”

This is a great idea. This is an idea that will work. (Are you in?)

I need to write this down. Let’s see: I need to 1) research building materials. Maybe find a business partner who is an engineer; 2) research laws against assisted suicide and/or get current laws changed; 3) look into incorporation; 4) find investors; 5) gather a collection of the world’s best death songs; 6) talk to the owners of some of the downtown skyscrapers, especially ones that house a lot of law firms; 7) research the history of-

Oh. There is so much to learn and I am so interested in learning all of it.

Well now, I had better get started. This is going to take me some time and there is so much for left for me to do before I am done!


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**The pictures on this one are all by the weird and wonderful Uetsuji Shotaro.

47 comments:

  1. Well, I hope you at least keep posting.

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    1. Thanks, man! I am definitely going to keep posting. As screwed up as it sounds, this is about the most fun I have during the week. I love writing my weekly blog...

      Delete
  2. sounds like you are in a fixed boring routine...

    may I suggest get a new job, like a Go-Go dancer. Or start a new E-bay account and get naked on Skype

    Or maybe take up a new hobby like, pot hole fishing, extreme ironing or underwater basket weaving

    As a last resort, get yourself twenty cats and a case of Mad Dog 20/20

    If you do start a new adventure; be sure to post the sexy details

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    1. The whole idea of this post is that I ALWAYS end up finding something new to get excited about.

      The past few weeks have been a little off.

      However, if I end up doing something for which there are sexy pictures, i will definitely post them for you!

      Delete
  3. ...the perfect suicide chute....

    Reminds me of the scene in Soylent Green, where if you wanted to check out, they had rooms and everything with movies and music and soft mood-lighting....

    (Oh - and I don't really like it that you're even writing about this subject - even in jest. Just sayin'.....)

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    1. I have never seen Soylent Green. Actually, I have never seen most movies that people see or that people expect me to have seen. I'm not entirely sure why that is.

      I weighed whether I ought to post this one. It simultaneously seemed too dark and too schlocky to me. In the end, it was what I wanted to write and to share this week.

      Delete
  4. I've given much thought to my own demise but my train of thought never led to a business venture. I would definitely consider testing your suicide chute... but then I'd probably chicken out.

    also...my death song would be Metallica's "Fade To Black", and I'd request something from The Cure be played at my funeral. Probably "Plainsong" or "All Cats Are Grey." ("The Funeral Party" is too on the nose)

    p.s. Soylent Green is awesome. One of my fave dystopian 70's flicks. You should check it out.

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    1. I don't think I'd use a song about death for my death. I'd be better off using a song that summarizes my life: "Joey the Canary" by Legendary Pink Dots or "Gopher Guts" by Aesop Rock.

      "The Final Cut" by Pink Floyd is a pretty good suicide song, but too slow for jumping.

      This is a very "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" type discussion: "Throw the tape player into the bath tub right when 'White Rabbit' peaks."

      Delete
  5. Allow me to submit my business plan for your approval: A pneumatic tube erected in international waters (to skirt around those pesky laws) which ends in either an incinerator or wood chipper (boss's choice) that plays "Blaze of Glory" by Bon Jovi. I'm pretty sure we can find some Chinese investors interested in whittling down the Western population and equalizing their own gender imbalance. Do we have a deal? I can send you the schematics.

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    1. You had me at "Blaze of Glory."

      I was thinking we could play "Blurred Lines" and get whole groups of people to go dancing to their deaths.

      But "Blaze of Glory" is way better.

      Delete
  6. You think four hours for an investigation is bad? Build your suicide chute. You'll keep that damned detective busy for a whole week! Also, I can't help but feel that your suicide might be a bit more hilarious if you constructed some kind of Rube Goldberg device that once turned on, created a chain of events that led up to you being dropped down this chute.

    Police officer: "Well, sir? Do you think she was depressed?"
    Lead detective: "Unlikely. Her death was comically hilarious."

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    1. THERE'S the payoff at the end of the blog post that I missed!

      I was going to have this one be like the old Dr. Seuss books, where it starts off with the narrator just wanting a bird for the zoo but it ends with 56 Watchmas with 56 Pautchmas, cycling through Wampa-Ma-Bampa-Ta Bawchma.

      Except, you know, with suicide.

      Delete
  7. I saw the aftermath of a guy who committed suicide in front of a train. It was quite gruesome. But, the police were performing an investigation, including the length between body parts on the tracks. Not really sure what the purpose of that was.

    But, if you start this suicide chute, I feel like Pink Floyd's "Goodbye, Cruel World" would be fitting, though a bit cliche. Perhaps something along the lines of "The Show Must Go On" by Queen or any song from Mulan, because the music in that movie is amazing, and I wouldn't mind shouting the words to "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" one last time before the chute ends.

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    1. Suicide by train wouldn't be good. It could very well violate my "quick and painless" rule.

      Delete
  8. Ok, ok, ok...I'm not at all worried, and I can tell you why. Obviously you still aren't sleeping well. I say this, because I haven't slept in about four days and everything you said made total sense to me. So I go with that...

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    1. My sleep schedule has been off. And I do get depressed. But I always end up finding something to get excited about and keep going for a little longer.

      Delete
  9. I had this feeling a few weeks ago, but then a curious thing -- I got a shred of perspective and I started laughing at this inner downer voice, and I said to it "hahah - you too will fade - just as all my hopes and dreams and good times and enjoyment of life has faded, as you have said, you too --negative mood voice--will fade! So good luck with that." it helped immensely. We always think bad moods will last forever and good ones will never last - so reverse it - sneer at the feeling of futility and boredom, sneer at it for trying to fool you, and then just enjoy it - savor the depression and anguish - because it can't last - nothing can, that's the blessing and the cure. Permanence is an illusion fostered by the desperate

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    1. That's true! But no matter how many battles you win, you will end up uglier, more decrepit, less mentally acute than you are now.

      As I was watching portions of the Grammys last night, I thought about how you can do that gracefully picking your strengths for each stage of your life - as opposed to artificially trying to appear and act like you did at 21.

      I'm sort of transitioning to a new stage of my life, and that's hard... and probably memorable.

      Delete
  10. My general philosophy is that it should be easier for people to kill themselves. They shouldn't have to feel anxiety over the mess they leave behind, nor should they experience terror in the moment they choose to do it. It's inhumane.

    That being said, I make an exception here. For you it should be extraordinarily difficult, if not outright impossible.

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    1. On one hand, you have people who are in a great deal of pain or are being pummeled by some unspeakable cancer. A lot of people believe that they ought to be able to check out, and in some places they can... legally.

      On the other hand, you have people who are merely in need of psychiatric care. Clinically depressed people should get help, not a gun, you know?

      The cases I'm talking about are in between those extremes. People who just don't want to do it anymore. Thanks but no thanks, you know?

      I'm too arrogant and too easily distracted to do it, I think. But I do consider it...

      Delete
    2. I get that. And I'm not so paternalistic as to say those people shouldn't be able to end their lives if they want. But I would tell them that if they're thinking about ending it, they really ought to give the benefit of the doubt to the "keep giving it a go" position and just keep doing that as many times as they can until they really, really can't do it anymore.

      Or just run away. Get away from it all, you know? Sure it sucks to bail on people you care about, but not so much as bailing on them permanently, right?

      (To be fair I've never really had to think about it, so I may just be talking out of my ass here.)

      Delete
    3. That's kind of my thinking, too. I have killed myself off in my mind more times than I care to admit. I say, "OK, assume you did it. End of Katy. NOW what do you want to do?"

      I mean, if I assume I'm already dead, then there are no rules for what i do the next day.

      Delete
  11. so, you know that i have suicidal ideation, and in that case, i won't worry about you, because i know you are just doing what i do.

    thinking about it.

    i have reached 'done' so many times i've stopped counting. 'done' passes i've found. if you ever left i'd be so lonely without you. you are my commenter extraordinaire. but seriously, the world would be missing one of the greatest souls.

    love you lots katy

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    1. Thank you, Andrea!

      I am usually REALLY excited about something obscure and stupid and impractical, so that generally keeps me going. Sometimes, I wonder HOW my life can suck (on paper) so badly, yet I'm upbeat and arrogant and ready to keep going. I think it's because I stay excited about things.

      But there are transition periods, where everybody feels wacked out. I think.

      And that's when the demons show up.

      Delete
  12. This is great. Most of the suicide devices I have invested in have gone belly up because they have been targeted to the individual. Very little repeat customers. But selling them to the cities to be used by many is brilliant. They'll need regular servicing and upkeep (60,000 death check up, etc.) which of course is where the real money is to be made.

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    1. Volume and location!

      And you're right: Upkeep would be a priority. You don't want one of these things getting run down or clogged with bodies.

      Delete
  13. Those cloth chutes you see are supposed to be fire escape chutes, but you would have to redesign them for your purposes. Here is a video if Google will take links. http://youtu.be/eohpyx8NzMg
    Sometimes people use the chutes to dispose of materials, but that's not their intended purpose. The pieces of metal beams, rods, etc would most certainly kill a person who tried to use the chute on the way down because the trash usually gets stuck somewhere in the middle. That might be a way to end it since your blood would slowly ooze down the chute. haha

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    1. It just occurred to me that if YOU had been the one who had written a blog post like this one, I'd take you into a corner and have a very stern conversation with you about the value of life.

      Those escape chutes in the video remind me of the blow-up escape chutes on airplanes.

      Delete
  14. I put on some Swedish suidical black metal this morning (Shining - V - Halmstad; verrrry good), which reminded me to read this post, the link to which had been waiting for me with accusing eyes in my Inbox. I like the idea of getting excited about living again thanks to the work needed to bring to fruition a project for committing suicide more elegantly. Thanks for that. Your reasoning is similar to mine when I wrote this post about the demise of the human species: http://bit.ly/MeI0Pq

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    1. Is that positive negativity?

      Negative people suck. I mean, people who just don't seem interested anymore. When confronted with a depressed person, I always believe I can show them something cool ("Look at THIS") and that will get them out of their funk. It doesn't always work because not everyone is like I am.

      OK, no one is like I am.

      Black metal would definitely have a good selection of death songs.

      Delete
  15. I'm pretty sure Kurt Vonnegut didn't intend for "Welcome to the Monkey House" to become a blueprint for government euthanasia, but considering the options you've taken the time to list, I believe my favorite writer was definitely onto something. Having happy little clinics set up around the country and promoted by the government would take the stigma and mess out of letting people punch their own ticket. And really, who's business is it if a person, for whatever reason, decides he or she's "over it"? I don't view suicide as some sort of futile "I quit!", but as a willful decision to have a say in how and when a person's life should end. If you've ever watched a person die of a horrible disease (emphysema springs to mind, or cancer) it's not at all shocking to hear someone suggest suicide is a better option. I would never begrudge a person for making that call, no matter how rash or poorly thought out their reasoning might seem to others.

    But having said that, I'll be pissed if you ever decide to stop blogging. And suicide by Snuffco chute would probably put a crimp in your creativity.

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    1. I haven't read Vonnegut's short story collections (I do own them. Just haven't read them), so I didn't know he went there first. Makes sense. He had people in his life commit suicide, and he apparently got close in the Eighties.

      I have noticed that loved ones put suicidal people on guilt trips about their feelings, and that's a really bad way to address the issue. I've felt "over it" plenty of times, and it's not something I ever felt guilty about.

      Delete
  16. I think you need a kitten. There. Unsolicited advice from someone who has no business even suggesting a course of action for you. You're welcome. You and the cat can thank me later. A person's will to live can be strengthened greatly by the thought of leaving a kitten unattended and hungry somewhere. Unless you hate cats, in which case you might be even more inclined to hop down a chute.
    On second thought, just disregard this suggestion.

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    1. I love cats. When Dana and the kids were here, we had two cats, two rabbits, 13 spiders, 14 scorpions, and a snake.

      Now, I'm just about the spider. Spiders are not cuddly.

      Delete
  17. “I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
    Death thought about it.
    CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.”
    Terry Pratchett

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    1. Death is wrong!

      Music, blogging, and books.

      That's what makes living worthwhile.

      Cats are just icing on the cake.

      Delete
  18. I think February is the month that screams, "Spring get here fast!!!" Every single year, I find myself grasping onto life in February. It starts late January though. I think about suicide a lot. Last year, around this time, I remember I started yelling at my therapist and saying, "I'm done!" --- To which she took as, "I'm gonna off myself." I guess it was a cry for help, until I saw the EMTs come to my house to "save me".

    So lately, I have been trying to push these dreaded feelings, thoughts and pity parties that I myself have, and started to try a new method of positive thinking. Sounds like mere bullshit, right? But it is helping me if I remain constant. "Today is gonna be the BEST day of my life!" I do rely on God (since my faith is huge) --- but yours may be a bit different, I'm not sure. I listen to positive sermons and seminars online that help me get excited about life even though I really want to throw in the towel. I miss my dad. I miss the people who left my life. I miss my life. Shit, this sucks.

    Get me?

    Then I think about my friends --- the ones who have survived numerous suicide attempts. God that's gotta be humiliating…or is it? I think one person who keeps doing this shit seems to thrive on the attention, but regardless, she is in pain, like me…like you… I guess we go about it differently, but good God I related to this post a little too much. I think about, "Well, if I commit suicide, I want to go somewhere far in the backwoods and shoot myself so nobody cleans up anything or finds a tragedy somewhere." That type of thing. I have entertained such morbid thoughts that it would make your head spin.

    But there is hope.

    Trust me. If I can get through this dark phase, so can you. I'm telling you, this month is a very difficult month for so many people. I don't know why, but I can only guess it's that last stretch of winter and long days that begs for summer to come rolling around the corner. Hang in just a little while longer.

    Love to you ~

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    1. Thank you for this, deb!

      I remember back in 2001, I was at a point where I really thought I was going to check out. I convinced myself I wanted to wait a year because of two long-awaited albums that were coming out the next year because I wanted to finish the book i was writing.

      That's kind of what i was trying to show here: Short-term goals, small projects, enthusiasm for one thing keeps me going a little bit longer.

      Not always, of course. I'm not a downer all of the time.

      Delete
  19. As long as the chute is eco-friendly and complies with ADA standards.......im for it!!!

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    1. This is a great point. We would not want people to be unhealthy or uncomfortable while trying to kill themselves.

      Delete
  20. Hi Katy. Interesting post to come back to. Guess I have some reading to catch up on to see what brought you to this (ahem) conclusion. Do your research and publish your paper. Should make an interesting reading

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    1. Brent! Where the hell have you been? I have been worried, but had no real way to check to make sure you were okay. The usual suspects around here have been NO help.

      I wrote this post two weeks ago. I didn't really want to write it, let alone post it, but it was what was on my mind at the time.

      The one I write tomorrow will not involve suicide.

      Delete
  21. My apologies, I did fall out of the ethernet for a while. My job has become soul crushing so I have spent the past few months trying to escape. Still looking. It is a tough market for a well educated, well compensated guy in his 50s. I started training for my 6th level black belt in November. The test is March 21. Otherwise it is just living the dream. I think I still have a way to contact you from the original asylum. I will dig through the rubble and see what I can find.

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    1. I check katydidknot@gmail.com way more than i ought to check it. Some of the other addresses have disappeared form non-use.

      Delete
  22. To veer back on topic for a moment, my brother in law opted for a large caliber handgun. I like your idea better.

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    1. Guys tend to use more violent methods, I hear. Women go with pills, but that's always seemed to me to present too good an opportunity to back out.

      None of these good options. The better option is probably to suck it up and keep going to see what happens next. But don't quote me on that.

      Delete

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