Monday, February 4, 2013

Skusting.


Skusting.”

Belloq, who was formerly known as Indiana Jones”  in these pages, says “skusting”  when what she means is “disgusting.”  I find this to be an endearing quality, even though by now she has used the phrase roughly half a dozen times tonight.

In Belloq’s defense, it is completely appropriate given the circumstances of our date. The food in this restaurant we’re in? It’s disgusting!

It is not as though we were not given fair warning, either. We have eaten here on four of our five dates so far, and each time, found the food even worse than the time before. By now, it has sort of become “our place”  by default, which is unfortunate and does not bode well for the relationship. Meanwhile, defying all odds, the food just keeps on getting worse and worse.

Tonight, we are here later than we normally are. What this means is that the dinner hour chef has already gone home for the night and some third rate apprentice is minding the stove top. Much to the surprise of Belloq and me, the apprentice’s cooking is somehow even worse than the chef’s.

This cooking is not merely awful; it’s an endurance test. It’s the kind of bad that cannot possibly be by accident. I am telling you: This kind of bad has gotta be intentional.

Knowing what we’re in for, Belloq and me, we go for the gold. We breeze right on past the top of the menu, skipping the rancid cheeseburgers and bacteria-ridden chicken sandwiches, the kerosene-soaked French fries and sour Caesar salads. We’re ordering for each other. You know, seeing what the other person can stomach.

I’m first up, and I say, “Yes, she’d like the raw squid with feta cheese and grape leaves. Heavy on the celery. Now, does that come with tomato sauce poured over it? No? Can you do that for me?”

The way I figure it, if this place cannot even manage a decent enchilada, what in the blazes is their squid going to be like?

Now it is Belloq’s turn to order for me. She fumbles it. Goes for the overtly nonsensical. Forgets that finding bad food in this place is like shooting squid in a barrel. “She would like menudo – and could you explain in detail for her exactly what that is? – with olives and cucumbers in the soup itself. Oh, and goat cheese. And on the side… Do you have anything with peanut butter?”

So now we sit here, each woman trying to control her gag reflex, mentally mapping out the route to the ladies room.

This food is the most god-awful crap I have ever tasted. My body is sending out desperate warnings for me to cease eating immediately. I am sweating profusely for no apparent reason and I think my left arm has just gone numb.

I try another sip of iced tea to wash the taste of the third-rate goat cheese and fourth-rate peanut butter from my mouth, but I wind up swallowing something… hairy… I think it might have been moving… and the situation is made considerably worse.

Even the utensils are suspect around here. I wonder to myself when the last time this spoon has been washed.

And I can hear a very green Belloq mutter, “Oh God… Skusting!”  under her breath as she leans over her bowl. She’s holding her stomach and trying to take one final bite of a squid that probably went bad two or three days back.

Then her eyes tear up and she flaps her hands, and I know I’ve won even before she makes her break for the ladies room. I hold up my arms in victory, but I do so slowly… tenderly… because I am feeling a little queasy myself.

While she’s gone, I am left to play with the remains of my raw cow intestine stew. Then I am back to people-watching, which is sort of a default mode for a person like me.

“A person like me”… I guess that phrase assumes there are people like me…

Anyway, I take a bite of my ethnic tripe and make up back stories for my fellow diners.

And Belloq, after a few more minutes have gone by, well, she gets within a couple feet of our table and turns around and rushes back to the ladies room. By the time she actually makes it all the way to her seat, I am so wrapped up in my people-watching that it’s as though she has snuck up on me.

“So…”  she says. I jump at the sound of her voice, first, because I have not seen her walk up and second, because she looks as though she has been hit by a car. “What’s the plan for the rest of the evening?”

I lean in conspiratorially, pushing my plate away so as not to risk smelling it. “See that woman back there? The one with the huge orange envelope?”

“Uh huh.”

I look back over at the woman in question. This is a woman who has risked the baked chicken soufflĂ© and somehow survived intact. “I cannot seem to imagine what is in that envelope. My creative mind has failed me. I need to find out!”

Belloq shrugs. Jesus… Even with her current sickly green hue, she looks fucking fantastic shrugging. This might be the sexiest shrug I have ever witnessed.  She asks, “You want me to go ask her what’s in the envelope?”

“God no!” I snap. “Where is the fun in that?”  Then I look around the restaurant. This restaurant that is OUR place. Belloq’s and mine. “I want to follow her. See where she goes!”

Belloq considers this for a moment. She looks fantastic considering this.

“I’m in!”  she finally announces.  “Waiter, check please!”

This could end up being my best date ever...
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EDIT:

You should head over to Yeah Write now. Read through all the blogs in this week's challenge. Then, starting on Thursday, you're going to be able to vote for me! (Click below!)

77 comments:

  1. Okay the hairy thing in the drink? That had me running to the bathroom! I'm happy you um, enjoyed (?) your date. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Mimi. Hey, if someone is capable of hanging with me through a date like this, they just might be sticking around for a while...

      Delete
  2. Don't make us wait too long for part two! I am hoping there will be firearms of some sort involved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No peeking!

      There have been no firearms involved with any of our dates, but there was almost fire last weekend.

      I have had such a major case of writer's block recently that dates might be all I can talk about for a while. Or maybe restaurant reviews, since this one went so well...

      Delete
    2. This is some good shit, Ms Anders.

      Delete
    3. Thanks, Rupert!

      A disproportionate number of my blog posts take place in restaurants.

      Know what they all have in common? No one reads them. Seriously: The posts that take place in restaurants are my least-viewed blog posts.

      Oh well. It was fun to write.

      Delete
  3. Skusting -- “Waiter, check please!”

    was eating dinner.... LoL

    Kathy the stalker?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I told you a couple blog posts back: I am creepy.

      Nobody believed me then. It's up to me to spend the next few blog posts proving it.

      I'm creepy, damn it!

      Delete
    2. creepy... I tell you creepy

      this week I am building a creepy Valentines blog while encompassing overt sexuality and virginal innocence and cuteness. better known as 'kawaii'.

      what better way to bring in the Chinese new year, year of the snake

      creepy is just creepy....

      Delete
    3. Oh, no. Valentine's blogs are coming!

      Delete
    4. just for you...

      Starting the Year of the Snake with some creepy valentine stuff and other hot issues that does not reflex virginal innocence nor cuteness

      GOODSTUFF'S BLOGGING MAGAZINE (96th Issue)

      http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2013/02/goodstuffs-blogging-magazine-96th-issue.html

      Delete
  4. There is an art to disavowing "our" in any relationship. Hopefully couples grow and evolve past things like the "our" crappy ass song. That's why I had to just say no to Color Me Badd (Keith Sweat is still dope, though).
    Remember, you shouldn't make out with someone fighting the urge to vomit...unless you like the sense of danger.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, if couples don't have "our" song or "our" place, how would they know what to feel bad about later on, after they break up?

      This might not be the best response possible to your comment, but I'm not wearing my lucky underwear, so my abilities are lower than usual.

      Delete
  5. I had a lunch date last week.

    She came in burgundy knee-high leather boots, with matching burgundy leather jacket. She reserved a table for us at a hip small sushi place with less than ten tables. She got both male and female wait staff coming and going at every wave of her fingers. She had high opinions about animal cruelty, while admitting that she was in the most fashionable leather outfits in the ten-block radius. She cleared 12 million for her company last year, so she was not complaining anything. But she is bringing her college best girl friend to the Caribbean vacation she won at work, instead of any boyfriend.

    I could tell though, in her beautiful piercing Brooklyn brown eyes, that she's two months away from deciding to become a lesbian. You think?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She sounds too damn high maintenance for me. Not my type - although she sounds a bit like my boss, actually.

      Go for it! Might be your last chance to grab her before she jumps the fence.

      Delete
  6. Thoroughly enjoyed that! Thanks! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Michael. I've had a major case of writer's block lately, so I'm thrilled when I can come up with something!

      Delete
  7. You've come out of your writer's block quite nicely. The challenge grid at yeah write is still open if you'd like to join us this week! (I emailed you earlier while NOT DRIVING my kids to school, so no telling if I had the right email address)

    http://yeahwrite.me/challenge-95/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cool... I submitted this, added the badge, and starting tomorrow, I'll see whether I can convince my 5 readers to vote for me.

      Delete
    2. Eh, we don't really campaign. Let your five readers know the challenge is there and maybe they will find some new-to-them bloggers to follow. I'm excited you added your submission!

      Delete
    3. I've gone around to a couple of the other blogs n the challenge and they're all pretty god so far...

      Delete
  8. Ga-gag on the nasty food. And yay for the sneaky fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If someone isn't ready to feel disgusted and scared while on a date with me, then they're not ready to date me...

      Delete
  9. Oh man...they even managed to ruin goat cheese and grape leaves? That' massively unfortunate, but your writing was excellent. I felt like I was sitting at the next table watching it all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... I can't look at grape leaves. I've tried. They could be great. I just can't look at them.

      Delete
  10. Ordering for each other does sound like fun.

    Happy stalking!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, thanks! You know, whenever I go back and really start to think about what these blogs are about, I start to realize how bad they made me sound.

      I probably need to point out that no harm came to that woman with the envelope!

      Delete
  11. Fourth-rate peanut butter, ha! I'm happy the food in our home usually turns out edible, but nevertheless there have been some off nights that have turned my stomach. Like last nights attempt at hot wings: there is such a thing as too much butter!
    Surreal and funny, enjoyed it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't generally try to cook for other people until I know them really well. My ex eventually became a vegan - I'm convinced so that she had an excuse not to eat my cooking.

      But if you pick the right (or wrong) restaurants, it can be just as fun...

      Delete
  12. You and Belloq have very, very brave intestinal tracts. When I'm at places like that I'm not fun at all. After a wiff from the kitchen I'm like, "Sooooo... how's your water? May I sample a small amount before committing? Also, do have such a thing as unlicked saltines?"

    Very funny post. Also. you have to post a part II. WHAT WAS IN THE ENVELOPE?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so bad with following up on blogs. I've done "Part 1" of blogs before and never done "Part 2." Other times, Part 2 has had nothing at all to do with Part 1.

      What I need to do is a blog post that consists ONLY of follow-ups to previous blogs.

      Delete
  13. Those pictures look like they`re taken from a surrealist version of The Great Gatsby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aren't they great?

      They're by a guy named Walter Schnackenberg. I liked the feel, so went through a bunch of his stuff until I found a few that were vaguely restaurant-y.

      Delete
  14. Katy, good old fish/n/chips will NEVER let you down, all this highbrow elitist gourmet food ain`t worth bloody tuppence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But what the hell are you going to learn about someone you just met by watching them eat fish and chips?

      Bad squid, Bianca. It's all about bad squid.

      Delete
  15. Katy, its interesting that a rich person wouldn`t be able to eat: eggs, bacon, chips, sausage, tomatoes, beans, mushrooms, even though its arguably one of THE tastiest meals in the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not rich, but I don't think I would eat all of those things in one sitting. Especially when I'm pretty sure I could get, like, FIVE meals out of that.

      Delete
  16. Why do u keep going somewhere awful? I don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a mystery.

      We both know the place is awful. We suffer through the meals. But when one of us suggests going back, the other one always says okay.

      Delete
  17. What an awesomely told, beautifully surreal story. I loved every minute of it, and kind of want to go that restaurant. . . and see what's in the orange envelope. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am encouraged by how many times the word "surreal" has appeared in these comments this week.

      Delete
  18. Brave? Crazy? Gluttons for punishment? I'm not really sure what you two are doing, but it sounds like you're having a LOT of fun. Can't wait to hear what you do next :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, TriGirl!

      "Crazy," I guess. Eating at this place is so counter-intuitive that we can't help ourselves.

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. Thanks, Esther, and thanks for coming by!

      Delete
  20. Katy; eggs, bacon, chips, sausage, tomatoes, beans, mushrooms is a classic 'fry-up', it was invented by those British scumbags (just as fish/n/chips was) and although i`m very disapproving of the country where it originated i must admit that when its cooked to perfection it is a quite magnificent meal (especially when smothered in tomato sauce and swimming in vinegar) just as J. J. Wistfulness said.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh you two. Don't let this become your place. It's not worth the intestinal pain. Let it be that "skusting" place you once went to.

    Loved this piece though and all the hilarious descriptions. I guess places with decent food don't make the best blog fodder, huh? Can't wait to hear part 2!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... Yeah, I'm not sure why the two of us making ourselves unnecessarily sick is so much fun. But it is, at least until one of us buckles down and tells the other one it's not.

      Delete
  22. Looks and personality are great but a woman with a cast iron stomach is a keeper. I'll eat anything and I need someone who can eat that same "anything' with me.

    Also, I went and voted for you, because I often do things simply because people ask them of me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Assuming I ever have a first date again, I need to use this bad food thing as a way to weed out the weak ones. I mean, why bother wasting time on people who can't keep up?

      (And thank you! I think you bring my grand total of votes up to ONE!)

      Delete
  23. I don't think I could survive the food challenge, but I'm all over the people watching. Did you actually follow the woman with the envelope? Details, please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Kathleen! Since there's no way I'm ever going to write a Part 2 of this, I will tell you: They were stencils. She was using them to spray paint little cartoon characters on the side of buildings.

      Following her was a great idea, as it turned out.

      She might be Banksy.

      Delete
  24. Ick! I love how you ended it with an adventure, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Natalie! I wrote a blog a few weeks back about asking Belloq out, and people have been asking how it turned out. I figured I needed to let them know how a date with me goes...

      Bad food. Staling.

      Any girl's dream!

      Delete
  25. I would not be able to stomach that food adventure, ewwwww. I loved your story though and it seems like you had fun ;) What WAS in the envelope?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The mystery of the envelope was more fun than the envelope itself. But ain't that the way it always is?

      Delete
  26. Ah, I love your words. You make the most beautiful words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Stephanie!

      As I get older, the words start to become more important than what they say.

      This one didn't quite have the POP I like, but maybe next time I'll do better!

      Delete
  27. This is such a great story. You tell it perfectly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should have had some sort of reference to the envelope... or to following someone... or somehow or other tied the envelope in earlier in the blog post. But I didn't.

      Write and learn, I guess.

      Delete
  28. Very interesting post. I want to know what's in the orange envelope!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Angela. One of these days, I'm going to decide to stalk someone worth stalking...

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This being spam, normally I would not post it.

      But it's GREAT spam! "Paragraph writing is also a excitement"?

      It's true AND sort of Joycean!

      Delete
  30. I'm not sure I should have read this post. The food is DEFINITELY not on my diet. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's probably just as well, Cal. I really cannot recommend it!

      Delete
  31. I am going to guess this isn't a restaurant on US 31 in southern Indiana? I swear they used turpentine to make coffee.

    Glad to see you make it past 4 dates. Sexy shoulder shrugs, some girls just got it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The very finest eateries and delicatessens make their coffee with turpentine, you know.

      I mean, coffee should always be strong enough to defend itself. The turpentine does that.

      Delete
    2. I am all for a cup of coffee being strong enough to defend itself. On more than one occasion I have been accused of attempting to make a morning chewable coffee. Turpentine coffee is the only thing I have tasted which is worse than British coffee, which I swear they make with pencil shavings.

      I am a little afraid to look at your Valentines Day blog. It would be sad if this girl was run over by a giant boulder or some other dredful fate while rummaging through a middle eastern cave. This one has potential

      Delete
    3. I don't blame you. You know how those lawyers are. [Insert lawyer joke here] ;)

      Delete
    4. Lawyer jokes are awful and mostly told by lawyers.

      If lawyer jokes were funny or effective, lawyers would have sued to have them banned by now.

      Delete
  32. You have the most interesting dates Ms. Anders. Don't stop!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to keep myself entertained, even if the other party isn't always NEARLY so tickled by it all...

      Delete
  33. Sounds like quite the endurance test? I'll try anything once, but in that, I mean I'll have a bite. I don't think I'd be able to stomach an entree of undercooked [insert species] intestines.

    Looking forward to the second part! I can't imagine what'd be in a regular envelope, nevermind an oversized, orange envelope.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can eat almost anything except Greek food. Not a big fan of Greek food, regardless of whether it is properly prepared.

      Delete

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