Thursday, December 20, 2012

Katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies


Right this way! Watch your head, sir… Right this way!

I am standing here now, with all of you fine, fine folks around me, and I must admit I’m feeling overwhelmed. I am humbled by this honor. Of all the people in the world they could have chosen, they chose me. Me!

And so today, I will be the one giving you the grand tour of Katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies. I pray that I am up to the task.

So come along. Right this way!

Now, I could stand here and I could bore you with pointless facts and hollow dates and dull statistics. I could rattle off the history and the mission of Katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies – founded in 2012 to normalize society and wipe out the abnormality plaguing the Western world, blah blah blah. Hell, I could even give you all the science behind what it is we do.

But if I did that, do you know what would happen? Do you? I will tell you: If I did that, you would fall asleep and you would not donate a dime and at the end of the day, the world would remain just that much more abnormal for my laziness. But me, I was chosen – chosen, good sir, and do watch your head! – and I take my job very seriously indeed.

I am going to bring you face to face with a few of our fully corrected and fully repaired success stories, with a few of – Oh! What a happy coincidence this is! Here come Jack and Wendy Torrance now. Wendy, why don’t you tell these fine folks a little about your son, Danny?

“Well, when our Danny was young, at first he seemed just like all of the normal kids his age. But then, when he got to be, oh, I don’t know, maybe he was six or seven, Jack and I began to notice that his favorite color was… orange. And this, well, this seemed a little off to us, so we talked about it a while and finally we brought him to Katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies to see what they thought.

“The experts here told Jack and me that our concerns were justified and that Danny had something called CFI or ‘Color Favoritism Imbalance’ and that he was going to have an awful hard time in life if we did not get it fixed. As it turns out, hardly anyone in the world’s favorite color is orange. CFI, if left untreated, can lead to… to… Oh, it’s just too horrible to even think about our precious Danny going through that!

“Here at Katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies, they took the time to hook electrodes up to our little Danny’s head and genitals, and with only six therapies a day, in twelve weeks they were able to cure his CFI completely.

“Jack and I were both shocked by the results! It’s like the Color Favoritism Imbalance was never even there. Now, his favorite color is red or sometimes yellow or sometimes both red and yellow at the same time. And as soon as he regains the use of his left arm, he’ll be back in school and we just know that things will get better for him.

“Thanks, Katy, for making our Danny normal!”

Isn’t that a beautiful story? Ahem. [[Cough.]] Pardon me, please. You know, this doesn’t usually happen to me. I pride myself on being immune, on never getting all caught up in emotions like this. But when I see… When I see Jack and Wendy, I tend to get choked up, even now. Even after all of the lives this place has changed.

Like the life of this gentleman here. We’ll just call him Alex, formerly of the greater New Orleans area. And Alex, formerly of the greater New Orleans area, would you be so kind?

“Hello, I’m Alex, and I used to be a m-m-musician. I know, I know, it’s hh-h-hard to believe. Me, a m-m-musician!? Or I guess maybe I just thought I was a musician. That’s how confused I was. But m-m-musicians, they don’t live as long as other people do and they tend to use drugs and suffer f-f-from m-m-mental problems. Oh, they try and start the next generation out early, sneaking their m-m-music classes into our kids’ schools. But if everybody was a m-m-musician, then there wouldn’t be anyone to deliver pizzas or cure AIDS or grow corn, would there? D-d-did you ever think about that?

“I never did, until I came here. B-by that time, it was almost too late for m-me.

“Here at K-k-katy’s Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies, they put me in a dark room and they told me they were going to kill me unless I did what they said. Then they abandoned me for three days without food or water, and every time I started to hum, they would come in and break one of my fingers.

“After that – because I was such a hopeless case, really – they chopped out the part of my brain that governs music and c-c-creativity and found me a job making calls for a c-c-c-collections agency.

“I am… so v-very much… happier… now.

“Oh. Hello, I’m Alex, and I used to be a m-m-”

Thank you, Alex, and that will be enough. Good job. Here’s your cookie and be back at three for the next tour, will ya, please?

And now, last but not least – no, not least at all – we come to this cozy little room in the corner. For some time now, this cozy little room has been the home of everyone’s favorite in-patient, one Dolores Hayes.

Miss Hayes had made great strides – yes, great strides indeed! – towards correcting a condition whose name can hardly be uttered aloud in polite or mixed company. Dolores?

“Good afternoon good afternoon i am miss dolores hayes but maybe not really because i will be changing it to salma or maybe britney changing my name i mean because dolores hayes was a redhead and i am not a redhead.  Please do not call me a redhead because the universe does not want redheads and they showed me that in a big book whose name i have forgotten just now but it was right there in black and white you can rest assured.

“And did you know that redheads will go extinct in the next hundred years and they do not add anything of note to human society yet they are responsible for a disproportionate amount of the skin cancer in the united states and that costs you and me billions of dollars as taxpayers?

“And the old dolores hayes was only me because i got screwed up as a child somehow like maybe abused or maybe something i can’t remember what just now but in those days i walked around loose on the streets with my unnatural hair and still i expected the same rights as everyone else until i came here and they told me i could change if i wanted to change and be set right and if i wanted to be set right and what right does someone else have to tell me not to?

“They started with electrolysis so all the bad hair fell out and they did some other things they told me not to tell the tourists about or even my family about and then i prayed very hard for a very long time more days than i have fingers and then when my hair grew back it was this beautiful shade of white! White! And thank god that i have those unthinkable redhead days behind me because now the kingdom of heaven awaits and i am cured for all eternity and i am the beautiful woman you see before you and not that horrible unnatural abomination dolores hayes no nevermore!”

Thank you, Dolores, and thank you, Alex, and thank you, Jack and Wendy, too. 

By now, I trust the importance of the work we do here is sufficiently clear. We straighten what is bent. We raise what is fallen. We take the abnormal and we make it normal again.

We save lives here at Katy's Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies by making you by what you should be - exactly like everyone else. 

And now – oh, watch your head there, sir – we ask you to consider giving generously. Help save the weird and the crooked of this world! Reach down deep into your heart and show how much you care. For those of you writing checks, that’s “Katy’s” – K-A-T-Y, not K-A-T-I-E – Haus of Corrective & Reparative Therapies. All gifts are tax-deductible.

Consider mentioning us as a beneficiary in your Will!

Now, come right this way and we will make a quick stop by the gift shop…


43 comments:

  1. Holy hell. I needed this. My husband decided that we needed to watch this movie about The Donner Party, called, well, "The Donner Party" (yep, vacation day one, living the dream) and believe it or not, its kind of depressing. So, can I book an appointment or what?

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    1. I don't see why not.

      What needs fixing? Maybe that depression. The Donner Party shouldn't be enough to depress you.

      I can perk you right up, though. When we're done with you, you'll be able to laugh at a Darren Aronofky movie!

      Delete
    2. Let's do this! Though I am blaming the combo of the funeral last week and it being unreasonably bad at work....and no sleep....or I could be down. It's hard to say...

      Delete
    3. A few minutes ago, I was reading an article about a pastor who says he can cure things like homosexuality, self-harm, and alcoholism by having people pet horses.

      Maybe we ought to try that before we go poking around in your brain...

      Delete
    4. Do cats count? I've got a few of those running around the house! I must say, sleeping helped! Also not waking up in a panic because I couldn't remember if I was supposed to be at work helped too!

      Delete
    5. Animals are supposed to calm the nerves. I used to have two cats, two turtles, 14 scorpions, 13 tarantulas, and 3 kids running around the house and they only seemed to cause more stress.

      Delete
  2. Sucker Punch meets Stepford Wives in a freakshow tent that is transported back to the Inquisition. And everyone sucks helium before they speak; even the inquisitors. There is a vague sense of cameraderie amongst victims and oppressors, almost as if they have become aware that they are all merely playing their allotted roles, and will soon return to the universe, undifferentiated. Like an entire season of Dallas, or an empire that commits no atrocity, it was all just a dream.

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    1. Hi, Rupert! I had so much trouble writing this and I still think I might hate it. I have rewritten parts of it since I posted it a few hours ago.

      The hell with it, though. They can't all be winners.

      I will say more about why I wrote it later on.

      Delete
    2. Who said it's not a winner? I love it, more than some others even. The analogy was also clear. Please go on writing more ambitious pieces like this!

      Delete
    3. Thank you, Rupert.

      My favorite blogs are the ones that flow, that have some sort of rhythm. This one never got there.

      But there is always next week! (and there IS next week, the world not having ended yet today...)

      Delete
  3. Where can I sign up for some of this reputable & effective K-Haus therapy please?

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    1. When the student is ready then the teacher appears.

      "K-Haus"! If I'd spent more time on this, that nickname would have occurred to me, and saved me some space, to boot.

      If this is any indication of your mind, you might not NEED corrective or reparative therapy. We can't fix perfect.

      Delete
    2. Gee thanks! Perfect though I may be, the therapies just look so...delicious and relaxing!

      I swear, there really *is* something horridly unsavory wrong with me! Promise!

      Delete
    3. If you don't mind a little hole in your skull, I think we could manage to poke an electrode or two directly into the pleasure center of your brain.

      That'd fix you right up!

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    4. I've always wanted to experiment with a little trepination! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trepination)

      On the other hand, we could just use one of the holes that's already there in my head...

      Delete
    5. http://www.5fm.co.za/misc/images2010/july-dec-images/holeskull.jpg/image_preview

      http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/bowlingball.jpg

      :D :D :D

      Delete
    6. I knew a guy who trepanned years ago. We mostly got worried about... well, a little abut his mental health, but also about infection...

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. No, actually, but anytime my stuff reminds someone of Vonnegut, I will not put up a fight.

      I have been reading a lot about ex-gay therapy and how Christian conservatives are vying to cure folks like me. In light of the fact that my ex and my brother have apparently been cured, I thought maybe I could one-up them!

      Delete
  5. OUTSTANDING post and your timing is good... will link to this post in the mag

    My grandfather was left handed. "They" would beat his left hand till he learned to write with his right hand.

    Freud stormed into a room in Vienna which was full of doctors who all knew his theories about psychoanalysis. When these doctors saw that Freud had a huge cigar in his mouth, they looked at each other and started to laugh. Freud of course immediately understood why his colleagues were laughing: His smoking a cigar was taken as a symbol of his own theory of “oral obsession.” Freud protested this over-interpretation with these immortal words: “Gentlemen, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

    I'll be back...

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    1. I almost included a cure for left-handedness. That's always a great analogy to the gay thing, because you can pull scripture passages that make it clear that God is not fond of our sinistral brothers and sisters. Those folks are goats.

      Delete
    2. I posted your link at

      This chop suey issue has Suzy Favor Hamilton (Olympic hooker) and Kate Upton with a dash of Cryptozoological stuff. Plus (at no cost), a different look at this Adam Lanza stuff.

      http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2012/12/goodstuffs-blogging-magazine-91st-issue.html

      Delete
    3. Your current batch of stories was informative and insightful.

      I had not heard the story about the Olympics chick.

      There I go objectifying women again!

      Delete
    4. Katy's blog, home of the brain food buffet

      I never have fully understood this objectifying women thing. However, here are some thoughts... with Marie Curie, Sarah Palin and Megan Fox

      Albert Einstein offered a bit of reasoning that seemed both peculiar and offensive. He argued that Curie “has a sparkling intelligence, but despite her passionate nature, she is not attractive enough to represent a threat to anyone.”

      Which Came First: The Objectification Of Sarah Palin, Or The Mistrust In Her Competence?

      Megan Fox isn't every woman in the world, it's not objectification of women. If anything, it's only objectification of Megan Fox.

      Some have argued that the feminist movement itself has contributed to the problem of the sexual objectification of women by pushing for an end to the so-called oppressive patriarchal marriage and promoting "free" love (i.e. women choosing to have non-reproductive sex outside of marriage and for their own pleasure)

      "Truth must necessarily be stranger than fiction, for fiction is the creation of the human mind and therefore congenial to it." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton (Prince of Paradox)

      one more thought - in the house(as I write this comment), Three older women are talking about the dogs. The three male dogs are declared smart, brave and fat. The female dog is described as beautiful...

      blogging idea - mind control, objectifying women and line dancing poodles

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    5. I don't know. I'm not smart enough to pretend to understand the larger trends in society. It's tough enough for me to keep track of trends in my own house.

      Delete
    6. Merry Christmas - I submitted your site to a friend that has a high traffic site http://extragoodshit.phlap.net/

      Fred Dude's reply
      "I will on Xmas morning post the lady lesbian because as Lenny Bruce said: never met a dyke I couldn't like. so be of good cheer , enjoy all things, kiss your family and play nice" fred

      should get 1000 plus hits Christmas Day

      Merry Christmas - CHEERS

      Delete
    7. Damn... IN that case, maybe I oughta write a blog post that makes a little more sense than these last two!

      Delete
  6. What are the usual types of cases you get? :P

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    1. Almost strictly gay people, since they need the curing so badly. Except in California, where the bastards have banned me from curing minors!

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    1. Well, I keep reading about the ex-gay cures in the news, and I just applied my entrepreneurial spirit!

      Delete
  8. I thank you for curing me and bringing me back from the brink of destruction when I thought all hope had been lost... and you did it without electroshock therapy or any other brain disabling techniques. For that I will be forever greatful.

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    1. Next time, we'll do the electroshock, just for fun.

      You know, a cousin of Dana's did electroshock therapy for drug addiction... this year! It's still an option, apparently.

      Delete
    2. Electoshock just for fun sounds great! We could see how it affects pacemakers!

      Delete
    3. But you are perfect already, Cal. There is absolutely nothing you'd need therapy for!

      Delete
  9. P.S. I think I've located the source of the odd dreams I've been having. Perhaps I shouldn't read your blog right before I go to sleep... even though your blogs are much better than Grimm's Fairy Tales.

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    1. My weird ones are generally better written than my other ones, but far less popular.

      Nevertheless, I am planning a couple really weird blogs. We'll see who can hang with me on those!

      Delete
  10. I love your absurdist stuff. I say this in case I have to give a deposition. As far as I know it is all (ahem)!fiction. Can you cure me from the awful influence the 30 days of God awful Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas movies I have been subjected to? Maybe waterboarding or a movie about the Donner Party will help?

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    1. I think the blog post I posted a few minutes ago should cure you in no time!

      Delete
  11. the link

    http://extragoodshit.phlap.net/index.php/katys-haus-of-corrective-reparative-therapies/

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    1. I'm seeing the page views from it on my stats...

      Naturally, the one time I have sets of eyes on my writing, I've drowned everyone in weird shit for a month...

      Delete
  12. I have been dancing around the elephant in thr room for a while now. Feel free to ignore this quite personal question. Did either your wife or your brother offer an explanation to their change in direction? It begs all sorts of other questions but I shall stop there.

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    Replies
    1. I have not spoken to either of them.

      I don't know that I ever will.

      Delete

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