Breaking off a long-term relationship with somebody is a lot like… It’s like… Well, breaking up with somebody is a lot like clubbing a baby seal to death.
Most normal people are not really going to want to club that baby seal. It is not anything to look forward to. It is unseemly. You just know that it’s going to wind up messy.
Okay, sure, there are likely a few sickos, a certain breed of masochist running around out there loose on the streets with no supervision who relishes this sort of opportunity whenever it arises. Who see it as their big chance to show off their manliness, to have their revenge on life, to take out their accumulated frustrations (“THIS! IS! FOR! SUZIE! REJECTING! ME! IN! NINTH! GRADE!”) on that baby seal.
But we are not talking about such outliers. No, not today. We are talking about your average, well-adjusted member of society who, it just so happens, finds himself or finds herself in a position where it has become necessary to, you know… club a baby seal to death.
As you undoubtedly already know, this can occur for any number of reasons.
And when it occurs, most people go into a sort of denial for a while. You know, you try and pretend that this baby seal does not need to be clubbed to death. You keep finding excuses to put it off for later and for later and for later.
We all know the drill, am I right? All those dirty dishes get washed. Yeah, I’ve done it, too. That closet upstairs that has needed to be cleaned out for at least six years, really, it finally warrants your attention. Or maybe, I don’t know… Maybe you finally spend some time learning a foreign language. You go plop down the cash for Rosetta Stone.
Well, you can procrastinate all you like, buddy, but eventually, it comes down to this: You are going to have to face facts. That baby seal is not going to club itself!
So take up your club and follow me.
In both breakups and seal clubbings, all you can do you is to hope and to pray that the thing goes down easy.
You come sneaking up behind it like, when it’s not expecting you. This is absolutely essential and it serves two purposes. First, it saves you from having to look the little sucker in the eyes. Study after study has shown that up to 74% of seal clubbing attempts are thwarted by the infamous and deceptive phenomenon known as “Sad Eyes”.
Do not let Sad Eyes throw your mission off-course. You are a professional!
And secondly, sneaking up behind your baby seal gives you the element of surprise – which is always an advantage in any murder or in any breakup. Who knows? You could even get lucky and take the thing out with a single blow and then be able to go on about your life as though the whole ugly mess had never occurred.
Because anything beyond that single solitary blow begins to resemble a nightmare scenario.
And every time you think it is finally finished, the baby seal springs back to life like that blond terrorist in the original Die Hard, reminding you why you put this horrible thing off as long as you did.
Roundabout the time of the baby seal’s third miraculous resuscitation, you just know that you are going to suffer permanent psychic scarring from this ordeal. By God, why in the hell is this baby seal putting you through all this?
And all of this because you couldn’t pull off the initial knockout blow.
So if it should so happen that you, even now, as you are reading this, are planning to dump a longtime lover or club a baby seal to death, I pray that the gods see fit to make it easy on you. On you, the dumper or the clubber, as the case may be.
I pray that the gods make it easy and allow you, with a perfectly clear conscience, to then go and get a bite to eat with a friend. Or to do some shopping. Or maybe even to find a new lover or a new baby seal.
As my Uncle Charlie always said about these things, “Practice makes perfect.”
Godspeed, noble clubbers. Godspeed.