Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Conversion Perversions


While we were still waking up that morning, inside of that fuzzy haze that exists somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, that’s when she announced she wanted to return to the faith of her youth.

I snickered. I said, “That’s not possible.”

I should not have snickered. And I definitely should not have said, “That’s not possible.”  Not to Dana.
           
I’ll admit that I was off my game. I was still groggy with sleep and it had sure been a rough week at work, what with the long lines for lottery tickets and all. Any other time, I suppose I would have been quietly supportive, or else maybe I’d have pointed out all of the perfectly respectable gay-friendly churches with which we share a zip code. What about Bering Memorial? What about Resurrection MCC? Anything but THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH.

But for whatever reason, I did not do any of that. Instead, I snickered and then I said, “That’s not possible.”  Or maybe it was even “That’s not possible, dear,”  which is just as bad or a great deal worse.

Dana sat up and began pulling her hair back into a ponytail. This was always a bad sign. She said, “Don’t give me that! I could be a murderer and be accepted back into the Church.”

And me, I pulled the sheet up over my head so as not to face the situation or the day. From beneath the covers’ muffle and glow, I said, “Murderer. Meaning ‘one who has murdered’.”

I said, “That is an altogether different beast from ‘one who is currently murdering and is planning to remain within a murderous lifestyle for the foreseeable future’.”

Dana narrowed her eyes. She chewed at her bottom lip. She stared straight ahead of her. Tick tick tick, and her mind was moving fast now.

Tick tick tick, and finally, “Okay. Okay, but what if-”

I snapped the sheet down off my head. I said, “No-o-o-o-o. Just… no.”

I said, “You are not going to be able to distinguish, to cross-examine, or to loophole your way around this one, Counselor. You are talking about THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. Aim somewhere else.”

Then I said, “Aim anywhere else.”

This was followed by several more minutes of Dana chewing her bottom lip and staring straight ahead and tick tick tick. And I’d almost sunk back into my fuzzy haze when there was a “Hmmph!”  and Dana bolted suddenly from the bed.

“I am getting the kids dressed and I’m taking them to Mass!”  she announced as she marched from the room in her boxers.

What a lezbo!

*           *           *

In my experience – as admittedly limited as that experience may be – there are those people in this world who will say to you that “Everything happens for a reason,”  and then there are those who will not.

Those people who believe that everything happens for a reason, well, they have a particular frame of mind. They have a supernatural bent. And since their minds work in that way, then somewhere, somehow, that supernatural bent is going to break out and make itself known.

Oh, it might be something as simple as not telling anyone what they wish for when they’re blowing out their birthday candles. Or maybe, you know, maybe they’ll wear crystals or magnets up against their skin, around their neck or around their wrists.

Or maybe they will find a benevolent and intelligent connecting consciousness underlying every single thing in the Universe.
Will not be mentioned.
It will be like it never happened.

Now, I do not – I cannot! – believe that there is a larger master plan behind why things happen as they happen. But Dana does, and I do love her for it, though it means there is a bright line or a gulf or a chasm across which neither of us can pass to reach the other.

So if Dana seeks to express her sense of wonder and her sense of awe about this life through the lens of the ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH, then I will support her in that decision. I will support her and I will not mention the Crusades or the Inquisition or the Concordat with the Nazis. The child molestation cover-ups or the destruction of the Library of Alexandria. Or the Syllabus of Errors. Or Galileo or Joan of Arc or the papal condemnation of “Americanism”.

Or… Well, you get the picture. I will not mention any of that.

*           *           *

The Church returned my family to me several hours later.

The kids looked downright catatonic.

I said, “Aren’t you sorry that you chose Palm Sunday to start going to Mass?”  I said this because Palm Sunday Mass is the longest Mass of the year.

Then Dana, she kind of shook her head absentmindedly and sat down across from me, still staring into space like she’d done that morning. And I’ll admit I got a little worried for a moment, afraid she was going to start drooling right there on the spot. Afraid that maybe they’d given her a lobotomy or done an exorcism to cure the gay right out of her.

Finally, she said, “No. I’m going to try this.”

She said, “Katy, I am going to talk to the priest and I’m not going to approach it like a lawyer, and I’m just going to… see where it leads to.”

And what in the hell could I say to that?

I got up and I walked over and I sat down next to her. I nodded my head slowly. I said, “Okay.”

THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH.

This could be the beginning of a great adventure.

61 comments:

  1. The things we do for our spouse, the sacrifices we make for our spouse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She gets me into trouble I'd never think of getting into on my own. It's perfect.

      Delete
  2. April Fools..... C'mon Katy. It was a little TOO obvious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You damn heathens!

      I'm looking down these comments and half the people think it's an April Fool's joke!

      I'm being supportive, I'm not going to church myself. What kind of April Fool's joke is claiming to be supportive?

      Haha... I love my blog...

      Delete
  3. I loved your American fairy tale guest post. Awesome job Katy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!

      I wrote the one for your page, and then I was kind of revved up and wrote this other post in one sitting.

      I don't do news or current events on my page, so these were fun...

      Delete
    2. You should start another blog "queen of sarcasm" like G's satirical blog. You guys are great.

      Delete
    3. G's great, yeah!

      I have thought about starting a blog that is more current events-related.

      I think I'd end up focusing on one blog or the other, and both would suffer as a result.

      Besides, I haven't really decided what THIS page is about yet!

      Delete
    4. Aw, shucks! I'm filling up...glad we're all mutual fans :)

      Delete
    5. Oh no!

      Now that you've seen our compliments, this is officially a giant circle jerk.

      You both suck.

      Delete
  4. I fell for it. I always fall for it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing to fall for!

      There will be a guy named Loof Lirpa coming to your home before midnight to slap you. You AND Rafa.

      Delete
  5. Rafa makes a very good point.
    If this were to be true...you are very supportive.
    And can you say "everything happens for a reason" if you mean "the reason things happen is because of decision making whether good or ill"? That is a reason.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but there's no master plan, no one is in charge, and your life is probably not going to have meaning at the end of the day.

      Still... have a great week...

      Delete
  6. So...I can see loopholes. After all, you can always say lesbians love their brothers as themselves. Nobody said anything about the sisters, did they?

    For a moment I thought I had a snark coming, but it died. Damn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Bill! You are early.

      I'm not going to get ahead of myself here, but... I don't think there are any loopholes.

      I just do my thing. Everybody else seems more concerned about my gender and sex life than I am.

      Delete
  7. Well, this is, as you said, going to be interesting.

    (Personally, I've long held that the Catholics would never survive a full-on, business-practices audit.

    But hey.

    That's me.)

    -W

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about a Texas Deceptive Trade Practices Act suit? Class action, obviously.

      No, now see? I'm not going to say things like that.

      Delete
  8. I love approaching the Catholic Church with all the respectbibwould give another old fragile relic of the past. It's environment must be maintained if it is survive. Also , it cannot be understood in modern contexts, so don't stress yourself. Think of it as a LARP for a Andy religious game! It's like the SCA. And if you make it down there at all, just remember to treat it like a museum.
    Pack in your own lunch, its not worth the price for those wafers and wine.
    If these approaches don't work try a local Gardenarian Coven. It's all the liturgy, traditions, and hand wringing one gets from the Catholics but with a Goddess and sometimes nudity. They still have a veneer of heterocentrism (blade into chalice yadda yadda) but its a deal more entertaining!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha...

      I went to a Catholic school when I was a kid, and we'd go to a (short) Mass EVERY day! The good thing about the Catholic service is that you can sit there and collect your thoughts without anything to distract you. Thinking is good.

      But I've tried everything. I used to go sit at a Theravada Buddhist Temple. I've never gone Wiccan, but I did go to Thelemic events.

      I don't have the belief gene. It's just not part of my make-up.

      Delete
  9. Katy. OK, first, it's the HOLY roman catholic church. Millions of people have been sacrificed over the last 2,000 years to put the holy in the catholic church.

    Second, the symbolism of Palm Sunday and April Fools falling on the same day--priceless. Dana's internal "call-to-the-nest clock" is both ironic and funny as hell.

    Third, fuck the holy roman catholic church and the pompous, two-faced old Nazi they call "pope". The fact that a smart lesbian would even want to try to gain reentry is testiment to the diabolical system of brain washing at play.

    Having said that, I hope she makes it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Mooner.

      The Church likes "Apostolic" to be placed in front of its name, as well.

      Regardless, I am pretty sure she can only "make it" in a limited way due to, well, our relationship. But if it gives her peace in some way, then I'm all for it... so long as they don't stick her in some kind of Ex-Gay programming...

      Delete
  10. Foo Foo, oooo la la, cheeky weeky, poosie woosieApril 2, 2012 at 12:06 PM

    The Catholic Church is the biggest load of old rubbish in the history of the universe. By the way, have you noticed that the last syllable of the word "Catholic" is the word "lick", which is probably refering (subliminally) to "licking out a gorgeous young girls twat" ! ! !, something i`m sure you`d be very approving of Katy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can tell you're in the UK.

      Anyone in the rest of the world would never have made a Catholic "young girl" connection.

      There's enough rubbish in the history of the universe to go around, I think. I myself am probably responsible for about 1/10th of it, which seems way too high...

      Delete
  11. Before I finally came out of the closet as an atheist, I was a Buddhist for a while. Albeit a strange kind. If you can imagine a revivalist "happy clappy" Buddhist, that's what I was. Japanese Buddhism. Soka Gakkai. I'm so embarrassed now. At least Roman Catholics seem to have more dignity. But then, they probably have more secrets too.

    I've heard Catholic guilt can be a terrible thing. I wouldn't want to come too close to that. Good luck to all of you. It will probably end in tears, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mind moves in sort of Buddhist ways. But it really is more fruitful for me not to hitch my wagon to any religion.

      I'm interested in the questions religions ask, though. More interested in the questions they ask than the answers they give, in fact.

      I am skeptical that a woman who is in a lesbian relationship can be an active Catholic. But my attitude is going to be that Dana can be anything she sets her mind to.

      Delete
  12. Foo Foo, oooo la la, cheeky weeky, poosie woosieApril 2, 2012 at 3:28 PM

    Katy, is that because all British people are renowned for their heterosexuality or because they`re all pious atheists ?.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I one read an interview with the lead singer of a British band called XTC.

      He said that everyone in the UK falls into TWO of the following categories:

      a) Gay;
      b) Collects something stupid; and/or
      c) Has bad teeth.

      Which two apply to you?

      Delete
  13. I can kind of relate to your situation...
    I've come from a quite strong scientific background and ended up marrying the local Archdeacon's daughter (Church of England rather than Roman Catholic), so this Easter will see most of my free time being taken up supporting my partner and enduring sly looks and muffled murmurings when I don't also go up for communion... Having said that I do love singing hymns in the cathedral.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You need to think of a sin that is easily explained using hand signs, so when they look at you like that, you can just make that sign to explain what went so terribly wrong that you've had to remain in your seat...

      Delete
  14. As a Recovering Catholic myself, I can't say that I'll even attempt to try and navigate your wife's logic for wanting back into the clubhouse. However, cheers to you for both speaking your mind aaaand remaining supportive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was raised Catholic, too. Most Catholic seem to leave the Church around 8th grade and then MAYBE wander back in when they have kids.

      But a gay Catholic is... sort like being a quadriplegic in a knitting club. What are you gonna do, just watch?

      Delete
    2. Some people prefer just to watch.

      ...That sounded less perverse in my head.

      Delete
    3. "Watching Catholic Priests from the Cheap Seats: The Katy Anders Story."

      Delete
  15. Foo Foo, oooo la la, cheeky weeky, poosie woosieApril 3, 2012 at 3:04 AM

    I fall into none of those absurd pansy queer catorgories, i`m just a rampagingly heterosexual, bizarre surrealist who likes gorgeous sexy young lesbians like yourself ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh. I am in the pansy queer categories.

      Delete
  16. your favorite internet rodentApril 3, 2012 at 6:09 AM

    Happy Easter Katy little darlin`, i hope you`ll be getting some tasty Easter chicks in over the week-end, if you know what i mean (and i think you bloody do ! ! !).

    ReplyDelete
  17. The reason I stopped attending specifically my mother's church was because they excommunicated my brother for "lifestyle." At the time he was living with a woman, so it wasn't because he was out of the closet gay (that came later). It could have been the drug abuse. I objected because it was completely non biblical in how it was done. I also didn't know that Baptists excommunicated people.

    I do see a higher power, I do see order in the bigger picture. I have had too many things happen in my life to be just coincidental. Maybe that is how I am wired up. Although even within the generic Christian community, I am a weirdo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What I never realized until recently is that - at least with Catholics - excommunication isn't necessarily forever. It's a way to strongly encourage someone to change their pattern of behavior.

      It's a complex and personal thing, deciding how much b.s. you can put up with and/or ignore in an institution before you throw up your hands and walk out.

      I made my decision many years ago, I think. But it's different when family is involved.

      Delete
    2. Interesting, I always thought excommunication was forever. That is nice of the Catholics to use it as a deterrent. My mother's right wing church that made a pregnant teenage get up and apologize to the congregation for sinning. Oddly enough the boy didn't have to do it.

      For the record, being gay, cheating on your wife, or embezzling from your company does not send you automatically to hell. This is all good news since the 3 items above seem to be a Republican specialty.

      Delete
    3. Well, there is always the chance of redemption, of course. Or paying a lot of money to the right people...

      ...or that place where the two concepts come together, in the old Catholic concept of the indulgences, where, with the right amount of cash, you could be forgiven for sins you had not committed yet.

      I make a lot of big mistakes. Some of them are mistakes I'm not sure anyone has ever thought of making before. I'm not sure how other humans - Baptist congregations or Catholic priests - would react to some of it, frankly.

      Delete
  18. Katy, tolerance can be taken too far. It's fine to show outward signs of being supportive and all that. But in the meantime you have to figure out some way of slipping some ecstasy into Dana's next glass of chablis or whatever she drinks. Then, lovingly and gently, but also as forcefully as required, tie her up good and tight, put some earphones on her, and play her Peter Gabriel and Death Metal music for as long as it takes. If you really love her, you will do this. It may or may not help to put a black bag over her head. Sometimes this makes the subject more anxious and harder to control, but in many cases it has a calming effect that can significantly decrease the number of hours required for the cleansing process to be complete.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Between the attempts to deprogram her from religion and counter-attempts to deprogram her from homosexuality, that poor woman is going to be a mess. Plus, she's already an attorney, and you know the kinds of weird things they do to a person's head in law school.

      I am certain the eventual lobotomy will be like heaven for her.

      Delete
  19. Gays... murderers. Yeah. Same thing. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God hates 'em both.

      No. I'm not going to condemn an entire tradition over one issue.

      It's just, um, challenging.

      Delete
  20. jervaise brooke hamsterApril 6, 2012 at 8:57 PM

    So Cal, you hate pansy queer bastards as well, well done my old mucker.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jennifer EndospermApril 8, 2012 at 6:25 PM

    "Chock full of hate" ! ?, that doesn`t sond very appetizing, i prefer that shop called "chock full o'nuts" from "Escape from New York" (1981), i always used to have endless fantasys about going in there and eating vast amounts of chocolates, sweets, and cakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You and that Hamster dude... you think of nuts and get all excited.

      Delete
  22. If I was gay I don't think I would want to go to any kind of church, but that's mainly because that's how I already feel as a straight man, and if I was instead a gay man, the only real difference would be that I would have washboard abs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're afraid of going to church because you know that your deviant lifestyle (whatever that might be) likely means you'd be on the receiving end of a good, old-fashioned stoning.

      You cut the hair at your temples, didn't you? Or polyester... Did you wear polyester, you pervert?

      Delete
  23. Tony Perkins (or maybe Janet Leigh, i`m not quite sure)April 9, 2012 at 4:21 AM

    Jennifer Endosperm and Jervaise Brooke Hamster are NOT the same person. They probably inhabit the same mind but i`m still convinced they are NOT the same person.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You are a sweet, loving lady for being so supportive.

    Now. If Dana, sometime in that hazy future, tells you she's not going to church anymore, if you can manage to NOT say "I told you so" then you will enter sainthood.

    ;) Saint Katy! I can't wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always sort of hope I can learn something in unusual situations.

      I mean, it would be nice to learn things, since I'm wrong so much.

      We shall see...

      Delete
  25. I just remembered the Catholics ran my family out of France in the 1500's. Now I know how any good Texan feels about France, even in the way back time, but still, I kinda take it personally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. France has had a mixed relationship with the Catholic Church, though. The Pope moved to France for a while in the... 1300's? But the French ran the Church out of France in the 1790's... which ultimately resulted in two dead popes.

      Which reminds me of a great quote (a real one, I think):

      "I would have made a good pope." - Richard M. Nixon

      Delete
  26. From that description of her, I like Dana. She is so likeable. I dont blame you for NOT putting up a staunch militant anti-theist argument. NO madame, I do not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Compared to the crazy stuff she's put up with from me, this is almost minor.

      Delete

Go ahead and comment, even if it is just to tell me that you think this post sucked. What have you got to lose?