Sunday, March 18, 2012

Secrets of the Gay Agenda


It has recently been brought to my attention – been brought forcefully, in fact – that the good people of America are fed up to here with the big gee, big ay, Gay Agenda.

I get it, I get it, and I can’t say I blame you. Not one bit. You good people are fed up, yes, fed up to here, and it’s about time, too. Now, the jig is up. It was bound to happen, and I am ready to step forward and to come clean and to admit it all in its entirety, unequivocally and once and for all.

The cynics were right. Of course they were right. Even a fool could have seen it from a mile away: Gay America has an agenda. I have an agenda. This agenda exists and it is clearly-defined, and it is made up entirely of twisted things that the Good Lord never, ever intended – and I know it!

I have always known it.

But now that the proverbial cat is out of the metaphorical bag, there is nothing left for me to do but fess up. Lay out some specifics. Maybe even, in some small way, make amends for my past contributions to this massive worldwide conspiracy and cover-up.

So go get World Net Daily on the phone, hide the children, and gather ‘round, everybody. Here is Katy’s Big Gay Agenda for today, Sunday, March eighteenth, in the year of our Lord, two thousand and twelve.

Item One on my Big Gay Agenda is to get the family up and dressed at a decent hour for breakfast together at West Gray CafĂ©. And when I say “breakfast,”  I say that knowing that many of you will naturally take umbrage at my indiscriminate use of the term. What I mean to say, of course, is “Gay Breakfast.”

Now, Gay Breakfast might bear a superficial resemblance to the breakfast you have tried from time to time, but Gay Breakfast is an abomination. Ah, be glad you don’t have to see it. It is not at all what George Washington or Thomas Jefferson or Elvis Presley had in mind when they were saving America from the Mexicans.

Why, at one point during Gay Breakfast this morning, I was heard to say the following in a failed stage whisper: “You don’t need to cry about it. You wanted the hash browns, so you’re going to sit there and you’re going to eat the hash browns.”

And also this: “Hey! Leave your sister’s food alone. And don’t kick her under the table.”

Then, having destroyed the underpinnings of traditional Western notions of breakfast, we left the restaurant. And when we’d gone on our merry, er, our gay way back to the house, I suppose they had to go and find a priest, an exorcist, or maybe even a bishop to get that table back into any sort of shape in which another patron would even consider eating off of it.

Predictably, our Gay Breakfast had undermined everyone else’s breakfast… 

Again.

Let me see here… Yes, Item Two on my Big Gay Agenda is the ironing. This involves me pressing a heated electrical appliance down hard upon my clothes and down upon the children’s clothes and even down upon the clothes of my wife, Dana, in order to make wrinkles in the fabric diabolically disappear.

It is the same way they used to do it in Sodom and Gomorrah.

I know what you’re thinking: You don’t mind if I iron – not one bit – but can’t I just iron and be done with it? Do I really have to wear my ironed clothes around like a banner for everyone to see?

This morning, after I had finished with the ironing, I looked at the work I’d done, and I was proud. I considered throwing a Gay Ironing Pride Parade, but unfortunately, I still had a long day of furthering the cause ahead of me. My Gay Agenda was still pretty full.

And so, while Dana prepared some papers of some sort or another for her job tomorrow (in a way that would make Rick Santorum puke!), I moved on to Item Three on my Big Gay Agenda, and that’s the one where I feed the assorted non-human critters who reside within our house. Mostly, this involves dropping crickets down into cages with tarantulas or with a turtle, or maybe even with a pregnant emperor scorpion.

I think it goes without saying that when I feed these critters, I always try and get the public schools to teach your kids – some as young as kindergartners! – that this is an entirely acceptable critter-feeding choice.

And Item Four through Item Eight, well, they’re just as bad or worse. I find myself compelled to skip over them for the time being. Chickening out from some innate sense of guilt. Perhaps self-preservation. Maybe the sudden realization that, were I to lay it out in black and white upon your computer monitors for everyone and their grandmother to see, you would justifiably rise up-up-up and you’d gather round and throw rocks at my head.  

It would be the right thing to do. The moral thing to do. The Christian thing to do. So I can’t begrudge you those feelings.

And when my Gay Agenda is finally done for the day, when I’ve made my little check marks all the way down the page and put the kids to bed, and as I lie before Nickelodeon on the television waiting for Gay Sleep to overtake me, Dana will sometimes walk in and she will say to me, “Hey. You gonna be awake for a while?”

She’ll say, “I am almost finished up with work. I thought that maybe later…”

And me, I’ll mumble something like, “Uh, I’m pretty tired. I think I’m just going to sleep.”

Dana will shrug, and on her way back out of the room, will say, “Okay. If I fall asleep at my desk, try and wake me up before you leave for work, will ya?”

And then I sleep – and sleep comfortably, too! – blissfully ignorant and ignorantly blissful of the fact that I am one day closer to the smiting and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth, my just desserts for foisting these atrocities off onto the rest of you.

So there it is, there it was, and I’m sorry. There it is, like you always sort of knew.

This is what you’re up against America! Consider your next move carefully.

Who knows what we’ll come up with next? I mean, the hallway outside the kids’ rooms needs painted.  

81 comments:

  1. I can't believe you've let the cat out of the bag (so to speak). And after the horror of your first three revelations, I tremble to think of what numbers four through eight might be. How is America ever going to survive this evil agenda?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. How much can America be expected to handle?

      After all the stress we went through in the Fifties over Black Breakfast, in the Sixties over Female Breakfast, and in the Seventies over Chicano Breakfast, now we're expected to handle Gay Breakfast, too?

      Where does it stop?

      Delete
    2. Oh sure, why not? Now the dogs will expect to be able to eat, too. Hell in a hand basket, I tell you!

      How about dog blogging, by the way? It's been forever since I've seen BadDog around on any consistent basis. If I didn't know better, I'd st6art to feel unloved!

      Delete
    3. Luckily you know better! Been busy , you know, trying to reverse climate change..
      '
      http://www.change.org/petitions/the-honorable-peter-kent-minister-of-the-environment-fund-the-polar-environment-atmospheric-research-laboratory

      gratuitous and shameful plug on my part there. But feel free to sign!

      Delete
    4. I don't think climate change can be true because I had to wear a coat once or twice last month.

      Delete
    5. the fact that you had to change in and out of a coat PROVES climate change!

      As for the whole PEARL fiasco, I have come to the conclusion if you don't measure the temperature, you can deny anything about climate change.

      Delete
    6. Clearly, the climate change situation is too important to be discussed by scientists. Only lawyers can be trusted with something so important.

      And to me, it looks like the lawyers' position goes like this:

      1. Climate change does not exist.
      2. To the extent that it might exist, it is not caused by human beings or human activities.
      3. To the extent that it is caused by human beings, it is not caused by Americans.
      4. To the extent that is is caused by Americans, there is nothing we can do about it.

      Delete
    7. Didn't mean to digress from the original theme of your blog. Old habit from previous incarnations I think...

      It's interesting how as humans we are always in confilct with each other and our surroundings. Gay rights, abortion, legalization of marijuana, climate change real, earth flat, center of the universe, god...

      It's just starting to seem all too effortful.

      Maybe I need to go back to my original life plan of living in a loincloth on a beach somewhere.

      Delete
    8. I don't get overly outraged about stuff anymore. My attitude is, if this was Soviet Russia or some awful period of history I was living in, I'd still owe it to myself to live as good a life as possible.

      The loincloth thing works, too, though. I've been reading up on anarcho-primitivism (Derrick Jensen, Daniel Quinn, John Zerzan), and I'm almost sold on it. As long as I can keep my music...

      Delete
    9. Totally agree individuals owe themselves a good life. Martyrs apparently owe themselves a good afterlife...

      Delete
    10. You know, I hate to say anything bad about people who give themselves completely to some cause, because without them, the world would be a worse place.

      And everyone probably has a moral obligation as a human being to do whatever they can.

      But there are some things I can control and some things I can't. Trying to keep my head on straight has gotta be Job #1. And it's a full-time job...

      Delete
  2. Sounds a lot like my Big Straight Life, but without the breakfast bit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our deviant lifestyles will catch up with us eventually.

      Delete
  3. The ONLY good thing about Rick Santorum is that he hates pansy queer bastards, in EVERY other way hes a ludicrously out-moded moron who is frightened of the future and who runs and hides in the past (like all "so-called" politicians). By the way Katy, although he hates pansy queer bastards i`ve heard that he does rather like gorgeous sexy dykes like yourself (like all rampantly heterosexual geezers) so if he becomes president you`re as safe as houses little darlin`.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, Anonymous. I don't know much about Santorum, but from what I've read, I feel fairly safe regardless of his stance on genital-based rights. I don't think there's much of a chance of Santorum being elected President.

      But if he likes lesbians, that is going to kill my current favorite pick-up line: "Hey baby. Do you want to go make Rick Santorum mad?"

      Delete
  4. Katy, you know that picture of you in the street with the other birds and the trees behind you, well i think you look like one of those 18 year-old teeny-boppers from the 1950`s in that photo, incredibly cute and sexy, i`m not kiddin` Katy, you may be 26 but i really think you only look 18 in that picture. I JUST WISH YOU`D BEEN NAKED ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Teddy. It IS a burden having to keep my clothes on while being this sexy all of the time!

      Delete
  5. Here Comes Common SenseMarch 19, 2012 at 9:31 AM

    If it was only about eating breakfast and ironing the clothes then there would not be one American who would object. The homosexual lifestyle kills and by trying to make my children except it you are threatening the safety and wellbeing of my children. Diseased people should not be given special rights.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's sort of what this blog was meant to address, Mr. here Comes Common Sense.

      I've been racking my brains trying to come up with what there is about my "lifestyle" that is hurting your kids. This is the best I could come up with.

      And as far as the diseased thing goes, I'm with you there, buddy. I had a bad cold last month and I never expected any "special rights." I didn't even ask for a day off work...

      Delete
    2. Oh, you poor man. Your children should certainly be protected from 'excepting' it. After all, but for the homosexual lifestyle, which kills, nobody would ever die, right?

      (Which means as a heterosexual I'm immortal. Um, yay.)

      Delete
    3. Here Comes Common SenseMarch 21, 2012 at 8:01 AM

      We would all die but die a lot later.

      Homosexuals engage in an unnatural lifestyle that severely shortens their lifespans.

      From a CDC study:

      "A data analysis released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention underscores the disproportionate impact of HIV and syphilis among gay and bisexual men in the United States.

      "The data, presented at CDC's 2010 National STD Prevention Conference, finds that the rate of new HIV diagnoses among men who have sex with men (MSM) is more than 44 times that of other men and more than 40 times that of women.

      "The range was 522-989 cases of new HIV diagnoses per 100,000 MSM vs. 12 per 100,000 other men and 13 per 100,000 women."

      Delete
    4. What’s “natural”?! And, what made YOU the ultimate authority on KNOWING what’s “natural”?!

      When I see a bunch of ants going about their days, running around, carrying things, feeling each other with their antennae, I believe it’s all natural. But on second thought, I think I saw something odd once at so many years ago. I swear that I saw an old ant on the top of an ant hill once, and she was old. All wrinkly and drooling and holding crutches in three of her six legs. And I remember that she was screaming and yelling down the ant hill that day about something. So I stopped and took a closer look.

      Then the darnest thing happened right in front of my eyes. This wrinkly old ant charged down the ant hill where she had perched on crutches under three of her six legs, and she charged right at one of her younger sister-ants who was going about her business carrying things and touching and feeling other ants walking by. This wrinkly old ant grabbed the young sister-ant’s back leg and shouted, “stop it, you lesbo! You are NOT supposed to touch and feel other sister-ants THAT way! It’s unnatural! And a CDC study said that you are going to get more disease THAT way!”

      I was shocked, I tell you. I immediately picked out that wrinkly old ant and squished it into a splat of broken shells and juices. For the sake of the ant race, I couldn’t let such an unnatural vermin live another second in this world.

      Delete
    5. @Here Comes Common Sense:

      Hey there. You can do a lot of things with statistics, but statistics can be misused, too.

      I can't go skipping along the edges of canyons without worry and then say, "I'll be fine! Statistically speaking, almost NO lesbians die from falls off cliffs!"

      Delete
  6. You are evil. Oh lord. All are doomed, I wish Columbus could find another land. what happens to the future? Awful and threatibg agenda,disgrace to humanity.

    BTB, I want your opinion on Dharun Ravi case. can you give me a guest post on that?

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    Replies
    1. Hi, meandmythinkingcap!

      I can try and come up with something on that. There's a reason I so rarely hit news stories on my page: By the time I actually WRITE about them, they are no longer in the headlines and no longer relevant.

      I'm going to try and keep it in mind over the next couple days, though...

      Delete
    2. ;). Count me in, I am the harbinger of late news as well.

      Delete
    3. I was thinking about what I'd say about it while walking to lunch today...

      I think I'll write something. How long you want it?

      Delete
  7. jervaise brooke hamsterMarch 19, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    Katy, do you know whats happening with regards to the "Pauline Hickey Fan Page" ?, i dont seem to be able to get access to it anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The gays and Muslims had it shut down. Those bastards will do anything to end the American way of life as we know it.

      Delete
  8. Ahhh...poor baby, diddums lost access to "The Pauline Hickey Fan Page", what a bloody shame, why didn`t you just download all the pictures from that site onto your computer ?, you bloody silly bastard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How strange that I have started using British colloquial terms just like my anonymous commenters.

      Still, I was right. The rest of us know to download our favorite pornographic images.

      Delete
    2. A "Bill the Butcher" left a comment on my page, too. How very weird.

      Delete
    3. Using the "Name/URL" choice in the drop down box, you can put whatever you want in there.

      I think I can Barack Obama (with a link to whitehouse.gov) leave a comment a few weeks back.

      The bloggers who know their stuff say you should never leave your comments open to anonymous commenters. Maybe that's true. I leave it open because I don't mind a madhouse once in a while. I'm a glutton for punishment.

      Delete
  9. jervaise brooke hamsterMarch 19, 2012 at 10:45 AM

    I did Katy but it was nice to still be able to visit the actual site from time to time, when Pauline Hickey was 17 in 1985 she was THE most gorgeous bird of all-time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was born in 1985.

      That website was clearly an historical landmark.

      Delete
  10. They`re after me with guns and knives and fast, fast horsesMarch 19, 2012 at 10:50 AM

    So now "The Hamster" masquerades as "Katy Anders" as well ! ! !, hes such a cool dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So long as he stays away from impersonating Ulysses Malloy, everything will be fine.

      Ulysses Malloy is vengeful. He'd have hamster's ass.

      Delete
  11. You know Jervaise, i kinda` agree with you about Pauline Hickey, that bird did have an incredible indescribeable magic about her when she was 17 or 18 and her tits were perhaps the most perfect of all-time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I'm confused. No avatar, but also no British-isms.

      I no longer know where I end and others begin.

      Delete
  12. I just KNEW Santorum was right. You and your family unit are a dastardly menace to society;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your page and mine both use the term "in the year of our Lord" in the latest post.

      It's probably because we are both so hardcore religious in our blog outlook.

      Maybe we NEED to elect Santorum. My lifestyle doesn't feel nearly edgy enough as of late. President Santorum would make me feel dangerous again!

      Delete
    2. Well, it IS the year of our Lord. Last year was only about 70% Jesus, but this year is like 110% Jesus. Is that even possible? Doesn't matter, it's the Lord.

      I'm just stopping by for my Gay Breakfast. My wife forgot to cook something this morning, and I'd do anything for a slice of bacon. *Anything*

      Delete
    3. I think Jesus could make the year 110% him if he wanted to make it so.

      It would be like him making a rock too heavy for him to lift.

      That guy can do anything.

      I am going to overlook the obvious implications of your willingness to do anything for bacon, especially in the context of gay breakfast. What a man does for bacon ought to be between him and his 110% Jesus and the bacon.

      Delete
  13. Ooh, you big bad gay menace, you.

    So that's why the world's been turning upside down a bit recently. Too much gaying going on.

    On other news, how's the scorpion's pregnancy coming? Also, something on the tarantula.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gay breakfast is an abomination.

      Apparently, emperor scorpion pregnancies can last quite a while, and that's made worse by the fact we're not sure how long she's been pregnant.

      The tarantulas are good, although we had a near-miss the other night where a small one escaped during feeding and made her way into an empty shoe. The extraction operation took quite a while.

      Delete
    2. I was just thinking, replace "gay" with "Iranian" and you get the exact same thing.

      Delete
    3. So many people to ostracize, so little time.

      Delete
  14. Whoa! I can't believe someone finally told me what the Gay Agenda was. Now, if I could just find out what the prize for converting to gayness is, I might actually be tempted. ;-)

    Jay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure you can convert.

      Maybe. I'm unclear on that point, frankly.

      You can experiment, though. Gay Breakfast IS much more sinful than Straight Breakfast.

      Delete
  15. @Kathy
    Lengthier the better. Sorry I wasnt able to comment before and I am not able to reply to your comment.
    meandmythinkingcap@gmail.com is my id.Incase.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wrote a draft this afternoon. I should have something to you by Thursday!

      Delete
  16. That has just blown my mind... the audacity and cunning... to think that America is sleep walking into this agenda...

    I might just write a strongly worded letter, to the UN calling for action.

    Or I might just head back down the Gay Bar and sign up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we are 9-to-5 jobs and white picket fences.

      Find something edgier. Something that isn't going to get watered down for at least 10 years down the road.

      And then come back and tell me what it is, so I can sign up!

      Delete
  17. My straight agenda is to have my family overcome the incredible distance (1 meter or 39") between the sink and the dishwasher. Not sure if that falls into your omitted items or not.

    That is a pretty happy picture of you guys walking. Perhaps even gay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thing is, if you just eat every meal from a microwavable box, there's hardly anything to clean up. Sure, you're getting 400% of your daily allotment of sodium with every meal, but...

      Healthy eating ought to be rewarded by the karmic gods, not punished.

      Delete
    2. There is my problem! I cannot eat prepared food such as microwave meals. I would just as soon eat the cardboard box they come in. And in the end (upcoming pun intended), I always spend more time dealing with gastrointestinal issues than is saved in food prep.

      Glutton for punishment or not, please continue to leave your comments open to "strangers". I find them enlightening, to say the least.

      Delete
    3. My stomach can handle anything - I throw this red Chinese garlic sauce stuff on absolutely everything with no ill effects - but the different foods sure make a difference in weight gain. As soon as I started cooking fresh stuff instead of eating out of boxes, my weight plummeted.

      As far as the anonymous commenters go... This place is starting to feel like a nuthouse. or as I like to call it, "home"...

      Delete
    4. My maternal grandfather died of stomach cancer, and they said it had to do with his preference for hot food. Probably not the spicy kind but the boiling kind. Your stomach's ability to handle spicy food is probably due to the thick scars covering its inside. If you could quit smoking because you needed to, you should next quit spicy food, because you needed to.

      In fact, you ought to do a lot of things because you needed to. But, I pick one battle at a time. You should too.

      Delete
    5. I don't think they really know about what sorts of food cause cancer. Go try and Google "burnt toast" and "cancer" sometime and see the various opinions on that one.

      Burnt toast!

      There could be an issue with spicy foods insofar as they could lead to acid reflux, yada yada... esophageal cancer. But I never eat after 6 pm anymore, so that issue is largely resolved.

      Delete
  18. Katy, Bill the Butcher has enabled com-girl-t moderation for all the com-girl-ts that are submitted to his site, some people just cant deal with the magic of "THE HAMSTER".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Steve.

      I moderate comments on my page, too.

      I've come to the page a couple times and been unpleasantly surprised at what I've found in the comments section. Moderating it just gives me a level of control over the festivities.

      Delete
  19. 'I'm gay, and I don't have any diseases, be those diseases gay, straight, or otherwise.

    I always took the conservative premise to heart that our lives ought to be determined by merit - what we work for and what we earn - and not by the fact we fall into some random demographic.

    I work two jobs, my wife works one that takes up about 65 hours a week. We're raising three kids. Go to church every week. Never been on any government benefits...

    What is it about my life that you are fighting, exactly? What am I doing that is bringing the America you love down?'

    Hi Katy, I'm not the guy you were asking but I saw your post and wanted to communicate with you about it. Let me explain some of our (straight) perspectives on this and I would invite you to analyze your own writing and tell me if you see things as I and many of us do. First, there is a psychological problem you are displaying when you refer to your girlfriend as your 'wife', would that make you the husband? That is not possible because only men can be husbands and only men can be, well men. Think of it this way there are many things that men and women have in common, hair styles are not one of them. Hair is basically unisex, perhaps not on a DNA level but in general. So although women where pants and ties and other apparel that they refuse sometimes to see as men clothing, hairstyle is above all, chosen and there are distinctly male and female hairstyles. Even a homosexual hairdresser will admit that. People can tell when a woman for instance is wearing a man's hairstyle and vice versa. So it is evidence that sexuality of all things has a strong psychological component and that is where the trouble lies.

    As far as going to (what you described as a church, I'm Catholic I only recognize the one true Church, the body of Christ),if you are openly out there then you are not practicing Christianity there. The admonitions against homosexuality is not only Bible based they precede Christianity.

    I'm not trying to knock you, (no pun intended). However, I am concerned that in terms of emotional health that you at least recognize that your extrinsic existence of taking care of the children, going to work and even physically attending spiritual gatherings does not mean that you as a person are intrinsically or emotionally well. I always remember this cool quote from Yule Brynner (real man), "The facts of my life have nothing to do with the reality of my existence." We are not merely a summation of our extrinsic behaviors.

    Last of all you probably have a few of those disease like the Epstein-Barr virus, that's the 'kissing disease', ninety percent of us here in the U.S. do.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey there, thatcatdavid! I like other points of view here, so thanks for stopping by!

      I'm living in Texas but I got legally married to my wife in a State that recognized same sex marriage. Your point about "wife" made me start thinking about what the marriage app said. I think it said "Spouse #1" and "Spouse #2", which seems a little generic.

      My gender role doesn't prevent me from marrying Dana in Texas, of course. Only my genitals prevent that. If I dressed up like a man and got hormone injections to grow a beard (ew), I could still legally marry a man, but not a woman. Genitals have almost nothing to do with my family life, for better or worse.

      But it's funny you mentioned the Church thing... There are branches of nearly every Christian denomination somewhere in my neighborhood that brags that they are gay-friendly. So it would be easy for us to go one of those routes... except that Dana insists on trying to remain Catholic.

      Obviously, she can't be in full communion with the Church, and her parish priest ended up going to the bishop to be sure he was handling us properly (plus I cornered the Cardinal, who lives on the campus of the school where I take classes, to work through a few of the issues.)

      The Catholic Church is not a religion you think of when you think of liberal social change. The unchanging institution is kind of the thing there. But the kids have been baptized, received First Communion, the whole bit.

      In my experience, people treat each other fairly humanely when they are face to face, even people with whom they disagree. It's when folks are far enough away to start lobbing stones about "those people are all alike!" that things get ugly. And honestly, there is nothing about my current life that would improve if the law became more "gay friendly."

      Delete
  20. There was a lot of hilarity in this post. My favorite, "having destroyed the underpinnings of traditional Western notions of breakfast". NOOOOOOO! Wait, I eat veggie burgers for breakfast (cereal and pancakes are the true evil of breakfast) so I'm part of the problem.
    And that was a well-reasoned response to what I can only assume is a random word generator calling itself "thatcatdavid". Male and female hairstyles? What? Didn't that notion get squashed way back in the 60's when the Beatles were smoking weed and playing sitars with super long hair dangling in their face?
    So sad the "gay agenda" is so mundane. It's almost like you're people and not a shadowy organization bent on world domination.
    I'm all about your blog now. All in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Great Pickleope?! I'm really going to have to up my game now...

      But yes, I think that the LGBT community will eventually bore everyone into submission.

      It's just like controversial rock stars. Eventually, they prove they are just as boring as everyone else and are accepted by the mainstream culture with open arms.

      So we're sort of like Ozzy or Bowie (circa 2012, not circa 1971).

      Delete
  21. Great..how do I know if I'm having a gay breakfast? Will my pancakes be fluffier? Should I stay away from French toast? What about soy milk for my cereal? Is that gay too???? WTF?

    How do I know if I'm doing OTHER things in a manner that would make Rick Santorum puke? Does this blog translate my responses to you from Hetero English to Gay English?

    Now that I think about it....how am I able to read your blog...if it's in Gay English? Am I Gay now too? Do I need a sweater vest?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The only way to know for sure is to keep Rick Santorum with you at all times. Though I recognize that the cure might sound worse than the disease, you will thank me when you end up in Heaven at the end of the day.

      And by the end of the day, I mean on December 21 of this year.

      Delete
  22. I think this is a case of mistaken identity. I'm pretty sure is was Mr Canoehead driving around your area with his sunroof open.... (It's a Canadian thing from way back...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you see my Tumblr?

      I found the bastard who hit me!

      I haven't done anything about it, but I found him.

      Delete
    2. You have made me to believe that once you found out the identity of someone who had seriously wronged you in the past, you would automatically and immediately hunt him down at his place of work or abode, murder him senseless, and threaten or harm all his friends and relatives. You were so sure of this outcome over the years, I trusted it to be the truth, at least in your case.

      So I guess I am pleasantly surprised of your current sensibility, constrain, and forgiveness. And maybe it would give you reason to trust facts and humanity, better than what you believed them to be. Yes?

      Delete
    3. Maybe I'm losing my edge. becoming less vengeful in my old age.

      ...or maybe I just can't think of anything to say to the ass with the canoe.

      "Did you know you bumped me?" Well, I would say he probably doesn't know.

      "Learn to drive!"?

      I don't know. I might just slip the text of my blog under his windshield wiper.

      Delete
    4. Oh no, in my own case, I got plenty to say to that ass who wronged me. But, what actually will happen will probably be very similar to your current experience, where you simply and at most would want an acknowledgement of the facts from this person, and whether they will apologize or not is going to be all about who they are as a human being, and less about anything else.

      But in your case, I would definitely leave a copy of the blog essay on his car, and then wait to see if he has the guts and the brain to find your blog and post any words. If he demonstrates to lack both, then there is nothing more worth saying to him in any case, isn’t it? Unless you would then murder him senseless. I don’t have tattoos like you, nor the guns in your closets, and a lake-house to hide in, so I am not bad-ass enough to help you in such deliberation.

      Delete
    5. He parks over on Colquitt (one street over from Richmond Avenue) between Timmons and Edloe during the work week, so if you do decide you've got some balls and want to turn vigilante...

      ***Neither Katy Anders nor "LESBIANS IN MY SOUP" supports vigilante action by anyone. Don't bother this poor bad driver.***

      Delete
    6. Well, you must be replying to BadDog here and challenging his manhood, for I had just said that I was clearly not bad-ass enough to help you deliberate or seek your revenge.

      Moreover, I had actually worked in one of the office buildings there few years ago, and there is no way to find this car in those parking garages without the license number. Besides, the driver is clearly a yuppie lawyer like you, driving a hybrid with an un-motorized canoe on its roof, while parked next to a late model BMW 5 series, both on what looks like the ground level, thus likely in reserved spots.

      A mindless yet elite ass like that, who was completely self-absorbed on being privileged enough to be able to drive a canoe around downtown in the middle of a workday, is just too much for a layman like me to handle. The most I could ever do would be the Small Claims Petition I just filled out this afternoon against a clique of old, wealthy, paranoid, vindictive, and vicious ladies on my HOA Board, who have been bullying me for nearly a year.

      I say you put your litigation skills to good use on this irresponsible canoe driver, and call in some of your favors with the county DA office, so to get him charged with failure to yield to pedestrian and hit-and-run violations. Why study Law but never use it to protect and preserve your own life and sanctity? Forget those ivory-tower dissertations you write for other people every day, and instead, for once in your life, devote your energy on seeking simple justice against someone who actually hurt you in your real life. Please!!!

      Don’t worry and don’t be afraid. Every time I stood up to fight for justice and for my rights, I have prevailed, despite of all the insurmountable odds against me. The American justice system is still the best in the world, which you fully know. Well then use it! Before it’s too late.

      Delete
    7. The license plate number is 836WBT.

      Delete
    8. ALRIGHT! Baby! Now you are talking.

      We will at least see if egg protein would chemically react with the paint job on a Japanese hybrid.

      Delete
  23. No hesitation the plight of homosexuals is on the top of the list of social problems professed in the EU because this week a meeting is taking place in Europe to address the fact that not everyone is getting onboard with the "gay agenda. Homophobia, transphobia and other forms of sexual orientation discrimination is said to still exist in the EU on a larger scale than the Union wants to see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have absolutely no idea how I missed this comment almost a year ago. I never skip comments.

      Delete
  24. Why is your wife posing as a WWF wrestler in the pic?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The two of us are much sexier and much goofier than the other people in that pic.

      And now you know another danger of the gay agenda!

      Delete

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